Dreams Are Never Free
by mpg
Summary: I wanted to tell Bella that she couldn't do this to me again – not now. I had a job. I had a life. I had purpose. Yet all that disappeared the moment she said my name. AH/AU/OOC/Adult themes
1. Bella, paint your pictures

**Chapter 1: Bella, paint your pictures**

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations, I'm just torturing them. Thanks to my lovely betas (FE71SH & CorrinaTFF) & my fic-wifeys (Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF) for looking this chap over for me. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it!_

* * *

"You're doing a great job here, Edward."

My boss' compliments made me smile; a genuine smile, not the fake one I plastered on every time my family asked me if I was alright. I had only been with the company for two months, but I was already making waves. It was a relief, because it had been so long since I'd had a steady job and a steady life. Two months ago, I had made the decision to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart and put my life back together. It only took twelve months of wallowing to get there, but I had. Finally.

"Everyone is happy with your performance, and we would like to offer you a full-time position with the firm."

"Wow," I said. It was an unexpected turn of events. During the interview process I was told there wouldn't be a permanent opening for at least another twelve months. "What's changed?" I asked.

"Marcus' wife is unwell so he needs a little personal time. Alec will be stepping into his role, and you will be taking Alec's position."

"I'm sorry to hear about Marcus' wife, but that's a great opportunity," I said, genuine enthusiasm colouring my voice. For the first time in what felt like ages – at least fourteen months - I felt life coursing through my veins.

The job at Volturi Architects gave me purpose**--**a reason to get up every morning. Purpose was the one thing that had been missing from my life for over a year. Well, it was one of the two things missing from my life – the other was too painful to dwell on. In fact, dwelling on it was what had made me wallow in the all-consuming depths of self-pity I had drowned in for so long. Before Volturi Architects there were mornings where I'd simply forgotten to climb out of bed. Days would pass and I wouldn't notice. My skin was pale from lack of sunlight and nutrition, black bags hung heavily below my eyes. But I'd finally exorcised my personal demon. I'd finally taken that step of removing _her_ photo from the bedside table. I'd packed it away at the top of my wardrobe under my thickest jumpers where I wasn't likely to stumble across it in a hurry – winter had just finished for the year. That was the day I started with Volturi.

They were excited by my special talents. I specialised in eco-friendly designs at low-costs. It had been something I had worked hard through university to develop. The Australian climate was perfect for the implementation of some of my designs**,** and Aro Volturi and his brothers were excited by the potential for capitalising on the current 'go-green' consumer attitude. I was more than willing to go along for the ride – the pay was good, even as a casual employee, and the offices were modern. When Emmett had visited me for lunch a week ago, he'd pointed out that there were plenty of good looking girls working there. It had taken him pointing it out for me to notice, because no matter how attractive they were – they were never _her_.

I tried to block out that train of thought – it would definitely leave me feeling dejected. I instead tried to tune back into Aro and what he was saying about my new position – apparently I was to receive a new office, a pay raise and have my selection from the clerical pool for a personal secretary.

By the end of the day I had selected Jane as my secretary. She was blonde, severe, had a no-nonsense attitude, and seemed competent. Most important of all was that, she was the polar opposite of _her_. _She_ could never be called severe – she was the type of girl who would go barefoot just for the experience of feeling the grass beneath her feet. _She_ always worried she would miss out on something better if she didn't keep moving on. Some people might have called her flighty. I knew she'd received the trait from her mother – I just wasn't sure if it was inherited or learned.

In order to celebrate my good news, and because I couldn't face another night in the kitchen cooking for one, I swung by the local Indian take-away on my way home. I took a minute to collect my thoughts as I stood just outside the door, waiting to go inside. I still found it depressing to come home to an empty house of shattered dreams.

The colours on the walls – vivid summer greens and incandescent pinks – were all chosen by _her, _and painstakingly painted by me, after we'd bought the house_._ It was that house, and the threat of losing one more tie to her, that got me out of bed and back into the workforce two short months ago. We'd never had much in the way of savings, and truthfully I probably should have been homeless for the last twelve months. My parents had saved the house by making the mortgage payments for nearly twelve months before they finally put their foot down. It came down to making the choice to either get a job or lose the house. _Her _house.

I called out for Moses, the little pug dog we had purchased at _her_ insistence. I knew it was cruel, leaving him by himself while I was at work during the day – I'd even put an ad in the paper, 'free to good home' - but I just couldn't give him up when the time came.

I ate in relative silence, feeding Moses off my plate, too lazy to get him his own meal. I didn't even turn the TV on. TV, movies, music, books; they all reminded me of her and were too painful to consider. After I finished, I washed up after myself, ignoring the tiles with the patterns on them that _she_ picked out. Then I dialed Emmett's number; he'd want to know the good news.

"Hey, Em," I said when he answered.

"You drowning your sorrows again?" Emmett knew me enough to know when thoughts of _her_ became too much, I usually pulled out the beers and started to call my friends and family. He was always the first on the list.

"Not this time – I've got good news. I've been offered a full-time position at Volturi's."

"That's great, man."

I spent the next twenty minutes discussing the ins and outs of my new position as best as I understood it. I hung up the phone feeling...happy. For the first time in fourteen months I was genuinely and unashamedly happy. I didn't worry about ringing anyone else – Emmett would no doubt spread the word when they rang him to check up on me. Apparently they thought I needed some kind of suicide watch. I couldn't deny that I had contemplated it. Especially in those first few dark weeks after _she'd_ left. Again. After _he _took her from me. James. I sneered as I thought his name. He was supposed to have been my friend. He'd been our realtor when we'd selected this house and was with Vicky at the time. But then, just three months later, they'd run off together. I should have expected it though – it wasn't the first time. James was just one person in a long line of people who had driven a wedge between _her_ and I.

My life was apparently better without _her_ in it**;** that's what everyone kept telling me. But that was like saying that a lion is better off in a zoo. Technically, it was a life; there was nutrition and entertainment, but somehow, something was missing. With her by my side life had colour, vibrancy... meaning. With her away I was alive, but I didn't know how to live. I knew I needed to put her in the past. It wasn't healthy for me to dwell on what had happened. She wasn't healthy for me, but for some reason, I needed her like I needed oxygen.

I put on the only type of music I could stand listening to – Elvis, because _she_ couldn't stand him – and headed for bed. Moses snuffed around the blankets for a while before settling down to sleep almost on top of me. I stroked behind his ear; I didn't know who it calmed more; him or me.

I was just about to succumb to the pleasure of sleep, of unconsciousness, when the phone rang. I debated whether or not to get it, but decided that everyone might decide to renew operation 'ring Edward regularly to make sure he isn't trying to top himself' if I didn't answer. It was about the seventh or eighth ring by the time I finally reached the phone. _Persistent, aren't you_, I thought to myself as I picked up the call.

"Edward?" The voice on the other end of the line was thick with tears. I couldn't immediately process any more than that, because my heart stopped beating and the oxygen flew out of my lungs in a painful rush. I knew the voice – it was _the _voice that had haunted me for fourteen months. The last thing that voice said to me was "it's not you, it's me – I can't be in this sort of committed relationship. I'm too young." It was the voice of the one girl I would do absolutely anything for – and the one girl who I absolutely shouldn't do anything for. I tried to pick the pieces of myself off the floor to be able to conduct a conversation with her.

"Edward, are you there? Please talk to me."

I wanted to talk. I wanted to tell her that she wouldn't do this to me again – not now. I had a job. I had a life. I had purpose. Yet all that disappeared the moment she'd said my name. I was a slave of my addiction to her – she was my drug. No matter what she wanted – or how crazy her plan – I would be there for her, like I always was. "I'm here," I said, unable to manage anything more than those two little words.

"Oh, Edward – I'm sorry," she sobbed into the phone. I clutched the handset tightly as I closed my eyes, attempting to shield myself from her words. But I couldn't help the tears that pricked my eyes or the painful daggers in my chest - her pain was my pain.

"What do you need, Bella?" I asked**,** knowing that before long we would be back where we were before. I would be a crumpled mess**,** and she would flit off into the sunset with her latest crush.

"I made a mistake leaving you."

I wished those words were true – that she meant them this time. I almost allowed myself to believe that they were.

"Can you come to see me so we can work this out?"

_No!_ My mind screamed at me, I'd been down this road so many times before that I knew where it would lead. My body reacted of its own accord. I grabbed a pen and piece of paper from the bench. "Where are you?"

"I'm in Cairns. I want you here with me, Edward. We'll start over – we'll sell the house and buy a little shack here and live by the beach. Or maybe we can just run away together. I don't care - I just need you, baby. I think I'm ready to make it work – to make _us_ work."

My body began to throw things together in preparation for leaving in a hurry. Cairns was an eight hour drive away which meant I would have to miss work on my first full day of full-time employment. Employment which would no doubt be terminated when I didn't turn up tomorrow. This time it was my mind that rebelled and took control for a brief second – long enough to squeeze out one question. "What about James?"

"He's not here, we had a fight and... he hit me."

I was packing my bags less than a second later, holding the handset between my cheek and my shoulder. "Bella, stay right where you are. I'm coming to get you."

"Thank you." She paused for a minute and let loose a sob. I could tell she wanted to say more, and I wanted her to. I wanted her to keep telling me about the life we would have together. The perfect existence she could see in her mind. I wished I could escape to that life permanently. To the perfect pictures she'd imagined of the two of us together. To live with the knowledge that she would be there, forever. That she wouldn't leave this time. I didn't know what to say to her or even what there was left to say. She helped me out in that regard by asking the fallback question, "How is Moses going?"

"He's fine," I answered. Then I murmured, "He misses his mummy though."

"I miss him too. You'll bring him, won't you?"

I wanted to say no, I couldn't bring him. I wanted to say no, I wasn't coming. I wanted to explain that I was finally happy. I was finally getting on top of things: a job, the house, an almost life. I knew it was all a lie, because without Bella there was no life. So instead I answered simply, "Yeah, of course."

"Thanks, Edward."

"I'll be there as soon as I can. Ring me on my mobile if you need anything before I get there."

"Sure, sure."

I grimaced at the reminder of the past. She'd picked that saying up from one of the other people she had left me for - Jacob.

I quickly finished throwing together a few bags and packed them into the car. I pulled down the photo that had been in hiding for two months and drank deeply of her features. Features I would soon be able to witness again for myself; to touch and caress again. Her doe-like brown eyes stared out from that perfect heart-shaped face. I sighed. She wielded some kind of black magic when it came to me. She had me wrapped around her little finger, and I was powerless when it came to her. I placed the picture back on the night-stand before waking Moses up. "Come-on, boy, we're going for a drive."

The last thing I did before leaving the house was to ring Emmett. He needed to know I was going away for a while. I knew he would be cross – he would swear and curse and tell me that the bitch wasn't worth it. I knew everything he would tell me, and I knew it was true. But at the end of the day, it was Bella and that was all that mattered. She owned me - heart and soul.

"Em..." I started, my voice shaky and weak. I knew what was coming**,** and I was afraid to face it.

"Aw, hell no. Don't tell me -" he stopped and took a deep breath "- _she_ called, didn't she?"

"He hit her, Em."

"Who? James?"

"Yes."

"So?"

"I've gotta go."

"You don't gotta do shit, man. She isn't yours, she's made that clear many times. You need to cut her loose."

"I know."

"But you're still going?"

"I have to. If anything happened to her..."

"She's not your responsibility."

"Regardless - I feel responsible."

"Man, you've got to grow some balls and tell the bitch to fuck off."

"I can't."

"What about your new job?"

"I know."

"You know? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"I know I am letting them down. I know they will probably re-think their decision. But..."

"If you say 'but it's Bella', I swear I will come around there and personally knock some sense into you."

"I won't say it then."

"Man, you've got to get your priorities straight." It was his argument to make me stay, but he sounded resigned. We'd been through this dance enough times to know that there was no persuading me. Bella needed me – and for the time being, she wanted me – nothing could knock me off course now.

"I know."

"Just fucking drive safe would you?"

"Sure thing, Em. I know you don't like this – but thanks for being there." He mumbled something non-committal before hanging up the phone.

I finished loading the car by putting Moses in his car carrier and strapping him in. I spoke to him as we began our arduous journey, telling him that everything would work out for the best. I desperately wanted to believe Bella. I wanted to think that maybe this time it would be different, and maybe this time we would last. I had an eight hour drive to think about it. To plan and to decide what I could do to make it different.

And this time I _would_ make it different.

* * *

**A/N :- This story is the combination of a few different things. The first is a song - it was a big song here in Australia & I thought elsewhere in the world but it seems like it may not be as well known as I thought. But it is "Jessie" by Joshua Kadison http:// www (.) youtube (.) com / watch?v=gre4DZuA6k4. **

**I am going to go in off the bat & say I will not make any guarantees for this fic. I can't guarantee redemption & happy ending. Probably the only thing I can guarantee is that there will be angst. I am a HEA girl at heart & I hope my characters can find their way there, but I'm just not sure. **

**I have been sitting on this for a little over a week debating whether or not to post, but I decided that my readers know me - I won't be offended if you decide not to read on. I don't know how soon this will update, but it will go into my roster. I know some authors have 1 story at a time, and sometimes I wish I was more like that, but honestly I have ADD when it comes to writing. I've got to write the character in my mind at the time or I can't write anything. And I hate sitting on things unposted because I write so others can read & (hopefully) enjoy.**


	2. History

**Chapter 2: History**

_A/N: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. (In other words – I don't own it, I'm just playing). Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it! Thanks to my beta FE71SH for working the magic._

* * *

I stopped for fuel at the twin BP's at Caboolture, before continuing down the long road that would lead me back to Bella. I left the radio off, as music was just an unwelcome distraction at the moment. Instead I tuned into the chain-saw like sounds coming from Moses in the back seat. He had fallen asleep and was snoring his little pug head off before we'd even left the greater Brisbane area. After an hour I knew I was in trouble because the long drive through the thick night gave me time to recall our past. Too much time. Too much past.

Part of me wished I could say we were high school sweethearts, then at least we'd have the excuse of youth for the state of our relationship. But we weren't, and we didn't. I could recall with perfect clarity the first time I'd seen her. I was just starting at university studying a double degree in architecture and science when I literally ran into her. I hit her with such force that I knocked her down, as well as sending my collection of textbooks sprawling. I helped her to her feet, but the look of contempt on her face as I gathered my books assured me I'd ruined any chance I might have had with her... which, let's face it, were practically zero anyway.

I regularly saw her around campus after that, but she never saw me. I would duck into the bushes, or hide behind my textbooks, as she passed, because _she_ was one of _them_. One of the people who were so perfectly sure of themselves they didn't need outside approval, yet they got it anyway. One of the girls who could have any man they wanted, yet never appeared to sleep around.

An extra loud snort from Moses drew my attention back to the task at hand. I raked my hand through my hair, consumed by my memories. The long, blank road needed little concentration. It was late at night, so my only companions on the road where the long-haul truckers. It was easy to become lost in the past again. I began to think about how we first became a 'we'_._

It was almost a year after our first meeting and I was hiding in my usual corner of the library when I saw her enter. I knew her name by then. Bella, and she was beauty personified. Her long chestnut hair flowed thickly down her back, dancing across her shoulders as she moved up and down the aisle in front of me. I shrunk back a little, pressing myself against the wall. I buried my head in my book, forcing myself to tear my eyes off her.

Her skin was alabaster and completely clear of blemishes. I knew from watching her for so long that every now and then a slight shade of pink would colour her cheeks and her skin would be reminiscent of strawberries and cream. My eyes ran trails down her body, tracing each of her curves. I drank in all I could because it was unusual for her to be so alone. Generally she was surrounded by her friends, Tanya and Kate, or her boyfriend, Demetri.

I heard her 'tut' loudly, drawing my eyes back to her face. She tapped her chin lightly with a pen before bringing it between her lips. I watched as the pen rolled back and forth across the plump, wet surface. Her tongue pressed forward and rolled around the end of the pen as she concentrated on the books in front of her. She must have felt my gaze on her, because she glanced in my direction. I blushed and turned away, attempting, for the fifth time in the last minute, to read the problem I was trying to solve.

_Find the equation of the line tangent to the ellipse b^2*x^2 + a^2*y^2 = a^2*b^2 in the first quadrant that forms with the coordinate axes triangle of smallest possible area (a & b are positive constants). _

Was what it said.

_Look at her. She's gorgeous. And she's alone with you in the library. This is probably your one chance to talk to her without that gaggle of friends she always seems to have around her. Why are you reading this? _

Was what I read.

I blinked and rubbed my eyes. I tried to concentrate on what was in front of me again, but from the corner of my eye I saw her bend over to look at the books on the lower shelves. I felt like I should inform her that bending from the waist like that was incredibly bad for her back and that she should bend at the knees and squat down instead. But her current position afforded me a magnificent view of her behind wrapped tightly in skin-hugging denim. I shifted a little in my seat, trying to get comfortable again now that there was much less room available in my pants.

I tried to put thoughts of her bent over out of my head. I was well aware that her world and my world were miles apart. She was absolutely stunning. I was, well not altogether unfortunate looking, but definitely not in the same league.

I tried to concentrate on my text book again, specifically the equation.

b ^ 2 * x ^ 2 + a ^ 2 * y ^ 2 = a ^ 2 * b ^ 2

But all I saw was:

b ^ e * l ^ l * a + y ^ o * u = h ^ e * a ^ v * e * n

I shook my head and risked a quick glance in Bella's direction. She was reaching up now. I began to wonder exactly what book she was looking for. The Dewey decimal system wasn't exactly brain surgery; and I should have known because my father was the preeminent neurological surgeon in Australia.

As she stretched one arm upwards her already short t-shirt rose higher revealing a large section of her flat, creamy stomach. Her arm reached even higher, and I was treated to a glimpse of the bottom of her bra. It was pale pink with champagne piping. My mouth went dry and I shifted in my seat again as my pants became increasingly tight.

"Excuse me," her voice rang out loudly across the empty space between us. I raised my eyes to her face, expecting her to be scowling at me for my obvious staring. Instead it there was a warm smile and knowing eyes. "Would you be able to help me?"

I stared at her, unblinking.

"With this book?" She continued. "I just can't quite reach it."

I had a mini-debate. On one hand, she was so hot and I was already straining my fly and I didn't know how I would cope being in close proximity to her. On the other hand, she would think me inexcusably rude if I didn't lend her a hand and I would blow any chance of ever talking to her again – as if there would be an again anyway.

Her smile fell as I wasted time debating with myself.

"Don't worry about it then," she said, grabbing a chair from one of the nearest desk and balanced on it to reach the shelf. Her shirt billowed open at the bottom and her new height meant I had an unhindered view of her creamy skin. Watching her moving around was like watching poetry in motion...and apparently I was suddenly channelling Johnny Tillotson. She leaned forward to grab whatever book it was that she was taking an extraordinary amount of time to find. I wondered whether she hadn't even checked the computer first. I thought that maybe I should explain to her how easy it is to search for the book you want and locate it in the library. I wasn't kidding myself though, I knew I was just trying to find another excuse to talk to her considering I'd stuffed up my last two opportunities.

I realised she was leaning at the maximum angle that would be safe from the seat she was standing on, and yet she seemed to want to lean even further – and in fact did. I ran over to her, arriving just in time to catch her as she fell. Of course, I overestimated my ability to catch her even though she couldn't have been much more than 100 pounds. All I managed to do was give her a soft landing on top of me.

She blushed red and her hand went down instinctively to move the thing that was digging into her hip. It was my turn to blush as her hand closed around my erection.

She raised one eyebrow at me and I hurriedly extricated myself from beneath her and started back towards my study nook.

"Wait."

I closed my eyes and held my breath when I heard her voice behind me.

"I could still use a hand."

I turned back to her just in time to see her tugging her shirt off over her head. I stood with my mouth gaping open and eyes bulging.

"And I think you could too." She licked her lips and closed some of the distance between us.

I smiled because I knew what had happened now, or at least two possibilities. Either I'd fallen asleep at the desk, and Bella had never come into the library, or Bella had come into the library and I'd been knocked out when I tried to catch her. Making love to Bella in the library? I knew this fantasy all too well.

She was directly in front of me before I knew what was happening, further evidence of the 'dream or unconsciousness' theory - time was skipping in funny patterns. My heart was too, for that matter.

She pressed her lips to mine. They felt warm and soft. Her lips parted, inviting my tongue in. I pulled back, shocked. This was no dream. She was real, and she was really standing inches away.

"Umm, I'm.... uh, I'm.... My name..." I stammered. It didn't feel right to kiss her, or be looking at her in just a bra, without properly introduced myself but for some reason I couldn't remember my name.

She smiled. "Your name is Edward. I know."

Surprise hit me like a brick wall – she knew my name. I blinked at her.

"And I'm Bella." She spoke slowly as if trying to explain something to a three-year-old. She put her lips to my ear. "And I _really_ want you to fuck me."

I blinked at her again and shook my head slightly. If I wasn't asleep, maybe I was just plan delusional. Maybe I was attacking the poor girl and my mind was making it seem like she wanted it too. Because there was no way _she_ could be interested in _me_.

She reached behind her back and unclasped her bra. I stopped breathing as I gazed over the long sweeping plains of her body, her breasts were pert and topped with two perfect nipples. I felt my tongue rolling around in my mouth in anticipation of licking them. I released the breath I had been holding in...it came out as a long, wavering sigh. My heart was hammering against my rib and I thought for sure she must hear it.

"I'll make this easy on you," she said as she grabbed my hands and placed one over each of her breasts. My fingers instantly began to massage against her skin, capturing her nipples and eliciting a groan. That little groan spurred me on more than any of her words had. I dipped my head and brought one of her nipples into my mouth. I licked and sucked, and as I did I received more groans as payment. I tugged gently at her nipple with my teeth and she whimpered. I pressed against her, forcing her backwards until she was flush against the bookshelves.

"Oh, Edward," she whispered. She spoke to me, but she looked over my shoulder. I turned to try to look at what she was seeing, but saw nothing but the empty room, my books and the frosted glass domes that I knew contained the security cameras.

"You don't know how long I've wanted you." Her words stirred, but confused, me because they were the wrong way around. I had lusted after her since that first time I'd seen her. She hitched her leg around my waist and ground her hips into mine. I stepped back and shook my head to clear it.

"Bella," I breathed her name reverently. She was too good for this. "I...I can't do this."

She stared at me incredulously as I turned and began throwing my books into my bag. When I turned back towards her, she gaped at me and her breasts still called my name. But I couldn't let it happen... not like this. I paced past her, but felt her fingers close around my wrists. I shut my eyes as I turned back towards her.

"Edward?" Her voice was strained. I opened my eyes and saw the pain on her face. I wanted to kiss her until it was gone. "Don't you want me?"

_So damn much_, I thought to myself. "No..." I said. "At least, not here...not like this."

I forced myself to keep my eyes on her face and not let her nipples draw my attention. "I don't understand," she murmured.

I clasped her face between my hands. "Bella, you are beautiful, smart, witty and just plain perfect. I have watched you and loved you from afar since the first time I ran into you. I want you so badly that it's an almost constant pain in my chest. But I can't do _this_."

Her mouth dropped wide. I didn't wait for a response. Instead I simply turned and left her standing with a confused look on her face. It was the hardest thing I'd ever done.

Within a week of that encounter, she'd broken up with Demetri. Within a month her and I were dating. I found out later the whole library incident had been a stunt to get Demetri jealous.

That should have been my first warning about our future.


	3. Rescue Me

**Chapter 3: Rescue Me**

_A/N: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. (In other words – I don't own it, I'm just playing). Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it! Thanks to my beta FE71SH for working the magic._

* * *

I pushed the accelerator to the floor in an attempt to get around the truck in front of me before the overtaking lane ran out. I was only an hour and a half into the drive. I didn't know how long my sanity was going to last if I kept revisiting the past. Instead, I tried to turn my thoughts towards the future. Like what exactly I expected to gain from this trip? I knew what I wanted. I knew my darkest desires. The fact was, I needed Bella like I needed air. But that wasn't what I expected. I wasn't stupid. I knew this trip would end like the others before it. The same way all our encounters ended. I had driven to Sydney, flown to Melbourne and made countless trips around Brisbane on various rescue missions. Bella got herself into trouble so often it was probably a miracle she was still relatively unscathed. Physically at least. Emotionally... well that was a different story.

My thoughts began to stray into unwelcome territory. I didn't want to think about Bella's emotional scars, or the ones she had inflicted on me. Instead, I thought of the times I had gone all 'knight in shining armor' for her.

* * *

"Edward..." Bella's voice was less than a whisper, but it lifted the last of the sleep haze I felt. It was only instinct that had me answering my mobile by the third ring, even at two in the morning.

"What is it? Are you okay?" I asked. My entire body was a bundle of nerves. Bella and I had broken up, for the first time, just two months previous. She had cleared all her belongings out of our townhouse while I was in a lecture; leaving little more than a note and my memories. She had transferred her course to external study. I had no idea where she was, or even if she was safe. Until she breathed my name into the phone.

"I...don't know." Her voice was still lowered and breathy.

"Where are you?"

"I'm at a bachelor party." A sob escaped her lips. "They... they won't let me leave. I locked myself in a room after they attacked me."

A low growl built in my chest. "What the hell are you even doing there?"

She was sobbing in earnest down the phone. Each sob was a dagger in my already pained heart. "I just needed the money. I thought it would be safe."

What she was saying and where she had said she was, suddenly clicked together in my head. "What the fuck, Bella? Are you fucking stripping?"

Her sobs came a little louder. I heard a knocking down the line and a rough male voice shouting something which I didn't catch, although I heard enough of the words to know that Bella was in danger.

"Just give me the address." I sighed. I didn't have a car – I didn't need one because I was walking distance to almost everything I needed – so I was going to have to call in a big favour.

Bella gave me the address and I told her to stay where she was. _Exactly_ where she I was. I hung up and was juggling the phone as I pulled on some clothes. "Emmett, man," I said when he picked up.

"What the fuck! Someone better be dead, little bro."

I choked back on a sob. I hadn't even considered Bella might be in _that_ kind of danger until he said the word. "It's Bella...she's in trouble."

"Bella? As in your ex, Bella? When did you two get back in contact?"

"About two minutes ago, Em. Now are you going to help me or not," I snapped. I didn't have time to go into the details. "She needs me."

"Okay, okay," he said. "What do you need?"

"I need a lift, and maybe some help... she's been cornered in a house. At a bachelor party. She's scared. I'm not sure, but I think she might have been attacked." I gave him the address.

"Okay." I could tell he had burning questions that I would no doubt have to face when I got in the car, but for now... he was on his way. During the length of the phone call I had managed to pull on sufficient clothing that I wouldn't be arrested for indecent exposure, and was just locking the door as I hung up the phone. Emmett lived about twenty minutes walk away, I figured I could run it in a little less than half of that time, and by the time he dragged himself out of bed and into his car I could be at least half-way there. Bella needed me, so I ran with all the speed I had. I hoped that her calling me was a sign that we would be back together and back on track before long. Our relationship had been nothing short of fantastic. We just seemed to _get _each other, and the sex... God, the sex was fantastic. But then she'd left. The note said little; just that she needed some time. God knows what for, but I was willing to be patient for her.

As we had agreed, Emmett called my mobile as he climbed into his car. I told him which street I was on through my panting breaths, and we arranged a meeting spot. I couldn't help but worry about the time that had already passed since Bella's call. I hoped she could keep locked away for as long as we needed. I couldn't even think about what would happen if I walked in on a scene where she hadn't managed to.

Over twenty minutes had lapsed by the time we pulled up in front of the address Bella had given me. Emmett and I both climbed from the car and knocked on the front door. It was opened by an obviously drunk man who still clutched a beer in one hand. He looked vaguely familiar but I couldn't place where I knew him from. "What the fuck do you want?" He slurred as he looked at us.

"There's a terrified young lady in that house," I said, trying to infuse my voice with a confidence I didn't feel. "It would be in everyone's best interest if you just let her out." I clenched my hands into fists to stop them shaking. There wasn't a dangerous bone in my body, but, at that moment, I wished there was. I would have done anything to ensure that Bella got out of there unscathed.

He looked at me blankly for a few minutes before realisation overtook his features. "Oh, you mean the frosty bitch? Whatever, man, take her – no one likes a frigid whore."

I felt Emmett's arm come out to stop me from launching myself at the guy, which would probably have made the situation worse. He seemed oblivious, turning back into the house and opening the door wider. He walked past a door, throwing his arm out. "She's in there." He walked off muttering something about money.

I knocked timidly on the door. My heart was pounding against my chest. For two months solid I had mourned the death of my relationship with the girl on the other side of the door. "Bella, sweetie, it's me...it's..." I began.

The door was open and she had her arms around my neck almost instantly. "Edward," she whispered against my cheek, her breath honey-sweet. I had my arms around her without thinking, stroking her hair softly. I pulled back a little to look at her face. She had far too much make-up caked on and her hair was teased to within an inch of its life. Her tears had run two black streaks of mascara down her cheeks. But through it all, she was still beautiful. I swept her into my arms and carried her out of there, her face pressed to my chest so tightly she had to have heard the tattoo my heart was beating.

It was only when we got to the car that I realised what she was wearing. She had a purple vinyl push-up bra adorned with rhinestones, white vinyl hot-pants that barely covered her ass-cheeks and white patent-leather boots which stopped at her thighs. The boots had tassels down the outside. The entire ridiculous ensemble brought tears to my eyes. She was too good for this. She could have anything she wanted, why would she do _this_?

"What the hell are you doing, Bella?" I asked as I slid into the backseat beside her. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Emmett slip into the driver's seat but he seemed happy to be ignored.

She leaned over and tucked her small body against me. "I'm sorry. I just needed the money."

"Shh, don't apologise to me," I whispered against her hair. "It just hurts that you left me... for _this_."

"I made a mistake."

My heart soared. I was finally getting my wish, Bella had realised the mistake she had made and was going to come back to me.

"I should never have agreed to leave the bar with them. I thought I'd be safe, what with his high-profile."

My heart plummeted. I felt sick as I realised the mistake had been mine, she had no intentions of coming back to me. I was nothing more than someone she could rely on. I left my arm around her to comfort her, but felt hollow inside. It finally dawned on me why the guy who answered the front door looked familiar, he was a local TV celebrity. Royce King or something.

"They just offered me so much money if I came back to do a private show for them. I couldn't see the harm in it... I didn't realise what they meant. I didn't think they would want..."

The anger built in my chest. I wanted to explode at her, scream at her for being stupid enough to not only strip in the first place, but to leave the relative safety of the club with a bunch of guys she didn't know. But one look at her, and I couldn't. She was so fragile, the tears still streaked her cheeks and, most importantly, she was in my arms. Even if it was only for a short time. I couldn't break whatever spell it was that was holding her there.

Emmett seemed unwilling to break the silence in the car to ask her where she wanted to go – or maybe he just knew I would want to know she was all right before letting her out of my sight. Instead he dropped us off in front of my house. I helped Bella from the car and turned back to Emmett.

"Thank-you," I said.

"No problem, you know I'll be there for you." He looked at Bella. "Look bro, I know you think she's like the love of your life or something, but be careful. I think that girl's gonna hurt you."

I clapped my hand on his shoulder through the window and assured him I would be fine. But as I walked back towards the house, collecting Bella under my arm on the way, I wondered if I actually would be.

* * *

I pulled into the truck stop as I drove through Gympie but I didn't leave the comfort of my vehicle. I just needed to get off the road to compose myself. It was nearing midnight and I was just so damn tired. The problem was as low as the lows could be, the highs were fantastic. In fact that same night had been one of our highs.

* * *

Bella sat of the couch, shock over her ordeal beginning to sink in. Once I'd had her inside our townhouse I looked her over once again. It was only then that I had seen the full extent of the damage inflicted on her. She had bruises starting to appear on her shoulders and thighs, a love-bite on her neck. Her bra had been pulled and stretched and was missing a number of rhinestones. Underneath her make-up I could see a red mark on one cheek, indicated that she had been slapped at least once.

I sat beside her. "Bella, love, did you want to talk about what happened?"

She shook her head and I didn't want to push her.

"I'll draw you a bath and find some clothes for you," I offered.

She simply nodded, staring straight ahead. I walked to the bathroom and filled up the tub, putting in the last of the lavender bath crystals; the only thing of hers that remained. It seemed like a fitting end for them, sacrificing the last thing I owned of the woman I loved... for the woman I loved.

I heated the bathroom so that she wouldn't get cold sitting in the tub. I was about to turn to leave when I ran into her. I hadn't even heard her approach. I looked down, noticing she had removed her boots and was padding around barefoot.

"I'm sorry, Edward," she said through renewed sobs. "I just didn't want to be alone."

She wrapped her arms around my neck and sobbed against my chest. I whispered my reassurances into her hair and tentatively pulled her into me. I couldn't let her know how fucking much I had missed this. I couldn't allow myself to think about how much I had either, or it would just hurt more when she left again. I wasn't stupid enough to think one rescue would change anything. She left for a reason, even if I didn't know what that reason was. Her lips pressed softly to mine while I was lost in thought. I pulled back. "Bella, please... don't."

She dropped her eyes and repeated. "I don't want to be alone."

"I'm here for you," I told her earnestly, before adding in a whisper, "for as long as you want me around."

She looked towards the bath and smiled slightly as she breathed in the lavender scent. "You remembered?"

_How could I forget?_ "You left them here."

"Did I?" She seemed confused and uncertain. Any thoughts I'd had that it was a deliberate move on her part were blown away by those two simple words.

"I'll just... leave you to it," I said, turning around. I was at the door when she spoke behind me.

"Please... stay." I turned back around, and found she was already naked.

My mouth was dry as I nodded my acquiescence. I walked towards her and offered her my hand to help her into the water. She sat at one end of the tub, while I sat on the floor opposite her. I handed her a washer to clear off the gunk from her face. She just held it in her hand and dropped it into the water.

"It's hopeless, Edward," she began to cry again.

"Shh," I hushed her. I gently placed my hand over hers and coaxed the rag from her. I wrung out the excess water and wiped softly at her face. I was extra careful around the red welts that were coming up from the strike she had received. I knelt beside the tub as I continued my ministrations. As I gazed down at her I was taken again by how stunning she was. Every part of her made my body sing. I had never desired anyone the way that I desired her. I finished cleaning her face and made one last circle of her lips, wanting to lean forward and kiss them. But then I remembered, she wasn't mine, not anymore. So instead I leaned back and pressed my head against the wall.

We sat in silence for the rest of her time in the bath. I watched as she dropped her head underneath the water, her hair floating softly like reeds in a pond. As she rose the water clung to her tightly. She smiled at me. "Thank-you, for being here. I needed you tonight."

"I'm here for you, Bella. Always."

She nodded and held up her hand, I helped her out and then wrapped a towel around her. I turned while she dried herself off and slipped the shirt I had given her over her head. She wrapped her hands around my waist from behind. I raised my arm and she ducked underneath it. Without discussion we headed for our bedroom. We climbed into our bed and she curled herself around me. I wrapped my arms around her and held her close. I pressed my cheek against the top of her hair.

Even though nothing more happened that night, it was one of my best memories of us. Just being able to be there for her filled me with such joy I was set to burst.

* * *

I groaned into my hands as the memory consumed me. I finally climbed out of the car to find a restroom to splash my face with some cold water. Once I had done that I felt a little more refreshed. I went into the servo and brought a coffee. I climbed back into the car, quickly checking on Moses, and then I was back on the road.

Back to the drive.

Back to my Bella.

* * *

**A/N:- Thank you all for sticking with Doormatward. I'm excited to see the response he has received so far. I have to say I have the best readers/reviewers ever, you guys say the nicest things, even while bagging the hell out of my characters ;) I love it :D **


	4. Swan

**Chapter 4: Swan**

_A/N: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. (In other words – I don't own it, I'm just playing). Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it! Thanks to my beta FE71SH for working the magic._

* * *

- BPOV -

Sometimes, it's the little things in life that make a big difference.

Like a name.

My name - Bella Swan - meant a lot to me. It spoke of beauty and grace. It was a much nicer name than Izzy Dwyer. I hated Izzy Dwyer. She was ugly, graceless and unpopular. She was me. Or at least, she was who I used to be. Years ago, before... everything.

Back before I grew boobs. Before my skin cleared and my teeth were aligned perfectly and sparkled white. Back when I was just a teenager. Just an average girl at a normal school in Brisbane, Queensland. Nothing remarkable ever happened to Izzy. At least they never had until the new Doctor transferred into town, bringing his two beautiful sons with him. The girls in school were instantly attracted to the older brother, Emmett. He was perfection personified. He was smart and confident, cocky and humble. He was tall, dark and handsome. The girls wanted to be with him and the boys wanted to be him.

His younger brother, Edward, was shy and reserved. He was bookish, tall and slim, bordering on gangly. His hair was a copper-coloured mess. He usually kept it unkempt and un-brushed. His green eyes were deep and piercing. Despite living in his brother's shadow, he quickly gathered his own fan club. I should know - I was the president. At least I had been, until the day he shattered my heart.

It was Valentine's Day and I had been watching him from a distance all morning, trying to find the courage to be within fifty meters of him - maybe even talk to him. Finally, at lunch time, I found my moment. He was sitting alone at the end of a school block. He clutched a used text-book, something about ecology. One hand raked repeatedly though his hair as he read through the pages of his book. He was deep in concentration. I walked towards him clutching a Valentine card tightly to my chest. Time slowed down and each step seemed to last an eternity. Finally I reached him. I stuck the card out in front of his nose. He took one look at it, before quickly appraising me and dropping his eyes back to his book. "I think you have the wrong brother," he huffed.

I shook my head vehemently. I couldn't gather up enough courage to actually speak to him. He looked back up at me and I dropped my eyes to the ground. I had always been self-conscious but in that instant, with his green eyes on me, every single one of my flaws felt magnified. I was acutely aware of my rainbow-coloured braces, which had seemed like a good idea just a few months earlier. My hair was lank and hung in a limp ponytail at the base of my neck. My face was riddled with acne and pimples. I was hideous. I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me whole. I wanted him to say something, to break the tension that was mounting between us.

He looked me over again. His face turned down into a scowl. His nose wrinkled in disgust. I felt like a lonely tissue found at the bottom of a bin after it's been emptied.

"Trust me," he said, narrowing his eyes even further. "You've got the wrong brother."

He stuffed his book into his bag and went to leave without another word or glance.

Finally I gathered up enough strength raise my voice to an audible level. "Wait," I whispered.

"No." He wheeled on me. "I don't know whose idea of a sick joke this is. But I don't find it funny."

He stalked off without another word. The card I had held so protectively moment earlier fell to the floor. My heart following seconds later. I stared after his retreating form until it became blurred by the tears in my eyes. That was the day I realised I hated Edward Cullen.

I went home that night and cried until my eyes were dry and aching. Eventually, I closed them and succumbed to sleep. I dreamed of Edward's face twisting into its mask of revulsion, he sneered at me, berating me for imagining a world where he and I could ever exist on the same level.

Mum came in to wake me early the next morning, but I was still in a state. My sobs tore through the house as I begged to be allowed one day out of school to be able to lick my wounds. I thought Mum would understand, she had been left broken hearted so many times, it had only been a few weeks earlier that she had left her third husband. Instead, my mother decided that I was too much of a handful for her. She blamed my 'constant emotional outbursts'. I secretly suspected it had more to do with her desire to leave Australia for Fiji or Bali or some other exotic destination to find a new toy-boy. She rang my father to find out if he would taken me in - or whether he would 'stand to be lumped with me' as she put it. Surprisingly to me, he had gladly put his hand up. Shortly after moving in with him I found out that he had been asking for access for years, which was not the story my mother had told me. Hers was more of a sob-story of an emotionally abusive husband and dead-beat father. I learned quickly that nothing could have been further from the truth.

After moving to Melbourne to live with my father, I tried to spend very little time thinking about Edward Cullen. Instead, I used the opportunity to forge a new identity for myself. I spoke to a doctor about a prescription for the pill to help clear my acne. I had my braces changed from the rainbow bands to clear - until they were finally able to be removed all together. I changed shampoo and conditioner, finding a strawberry-scented medicated wash that left it both dandruff-free and silken. My body grew and shaped itself over a short space of time. Where I had once been boyish and slim, suddenly curves emerged. By the time I started year eleven I was a butterfly emerging from a cocoon. Suddenly, I was noticed. By boys.

All my dreams had come true.

I changed my name, taking my father's surname and losing the ties to my prior existence. No longer was I Izzy Dwyer. I was Bella Swan.

But for some reason, I couldn't stop thinking about green eyes and bronze hair. About a gangly, awkward teen who I knew would grow into a fine young man, but who had cruelly ripped out my heart and stomped it into the ground. As the years passed those thoughts were eventually interrupted, if not stopped entirely, by other boy's affections. Like Demetri.

Demetri was a security guard at a university in Brisbane. He was also the big brother of one of my friends. During the summer before my senior year we had a fling. When he returned to Brisbane I missed him and during my senior year he had wooed me from afar. He had shown me such love that I thought it would be enough to erase the pain of Edward Cullen's harsh rejection. He whispered sweet nothings to me, telling me about his undying love and urged me to apply to attend the university where he worked. He promised me a place to stay and sold me on the wonders of moving back to the Sunshine State. I naively thought the love Demetri had shown me would last forever.

When the time came to apply for university placements I selected Queensland University as my first preference. I tried to convince myself that it was because of the better post-graduate opportunities or that it was because I needed the break from the cold in Melbourne. But deep inside I knew I was making the decision out of love or at least out of what I thought was love.

It wasn't until I moved to Queensland after school finished in November did I see Demetri's true colours, but by then it was too late. I couldn't return to Melbourne as the girl who had followed her heart and had it torn apart. It wasn't that Demetri was cruel per say, merely that he thought he was god's gift to women and the fact that he had a live-in girlfriend didn't change that. At any time he was dating two to three girls besides me. I turned a blind eye to it. I kept telling myself that once we took it to the next stage, marriage or kids, things would change - he was just trying the field before he decided to settle. At night when he was _working late_ I would lie in bed and cry myself to sleep. I would be woken on his arrival, in time for him to have some fun, then I would be discarded the moment he'd had his fill.

By the time I started university in February I hated myself again. I was allowing myself to be dragged to the depths of despair by the man I thought I loved, and who I thought loved me.

It was in this frame of mind that I saw Edward Cullen again. I spotted him long before he laid eyes on me. I was immediately captivated by his green eyes and bronze sex hair. I felt my heart skip three beats and then plummet into my stomach as I remembered the heart-ache he had caused. I decided everything that happened since that day was his fault; the good and the bad. It was his fault I was living with a man who used me. It was his fault I had undergone a radical physical transformation, he was the one who'd made me realise just how utterly repulsive Izzy Dwyer had been.

I was lost in my own world by the time he drew near, and I didn't realise until it was too late that he was on a collision course with me. His nose was buried in a book and he wasn't paying one iota of attention to the path in front of him. He slammed into me, knocking me to the ground. I grazed my palm, and my wrists ached from the way I had landed but I was mostly unharmed. Physically at least. As he helped me to my feet a look of reverence crossed his face as he drank in my body. I felt violated. Of course he would find me attractive now. I wasn't gross Izzy Dwyer anymore. As her, I had repelled him. But _now -_ he wanted me. It was evident in his every move.

I couldn't do anything for risk of breaking down so I stood and sneered at him until he had packed up his things and moved on. Then I ran to the nearest ladies' room and broke down. That was how I met Tanya and Kate. They helped me clean my face and reapplied my make-up. They held my hand as I sobbed about my life. They were the worst kind of noxious friends, only happy when I was down, but they were friends none-the-less. I clung to them desperately from that day forward. Sometimes it felt like they were the only things keeping me afloat in a sea of despair. I often wondered if they were also what prevented me from being rescued.

Tanya and Kate both spruiked Demetri's advantages. He had money and he had power. He wasn't just an impoverished university student studying sustainable living as part of his degree like Edward. Edward. He was a problem. It was clear to _everyone _that he admired me from a distance and I didn't know what to do about it. It was Tanya who convinced me to get my revenge on him. It was my own twist to get back at Demetri at the same time. I arranged it so I would arrive at the library when Edward was there but no-one else would be around. No-one but my security guard boyfriend, watching every inch of the campus from the control room.

I went into the library intent on seducing Edward before humiliating him the way he had humiliated me. But by the time I felt his lips on my lips, his skin on my skin, desire took over. Everything I had felt for him since the first time I saw him years earlier flooded back. I couldn't control myself as I whispered to him, "You don't know how long I've wanted you."

I hitched my leg around his waist, aching for him to claim me the way I was used to being claimed. He stepped away from me. My heart fractured and was ready to break again.

"Bella," he breathed my name. "I...I can't do this."

I couldn't understand it. I knew he would never want Izzy Dwyer, but I wasn't _her _anymore. He wanted me. Everyone saw it. So why wouldn't he just take me, especially considering I was throwing myself at him. He started throwing his books into his bag. When he turned back to me, his eyes were soft and generous. He began to walk past me. Without controlling it, my hand snaked out and grasped his wrist. He closed his eyes as he turned back towards me.

"Edward?" I asked. "Don't you want me?"

"No..." he said. "At least, not here...not like this."

"I don't understand," I murmured.

His palms came to my face, caressing it gently. "Bella, you are beautiful, smart, witty and just plain perfect. I have watched you and loved you from afar since the first time I ran into you. I want you so badly that it's an almost constant pain in my chest. But I can't do this."

He dropped his hands and stalked out of the library. I was left standing almost naked, watching after him, but all I could think was that he'd called me perfect. _Me_.

I waited a week for Demetri to say something to me about the incident. I knew he had seen everything through the security camera. I thought he would react immediately, but he didn't although I was no longer woken at midnight each night for his pleasure.

A week after the incident in the library, I woke to strange noises in the house. Noises of pleasure I recognised but couldn't acknowledge. I crept out into the living room and saw him smiling from the armchair. Strawberry blonde hair bobbed up and down in his lap. When he caught me watching, he pushed his hands into her hair and cried out into the night, "Oh, Tanya, baby."

His eyes locked with mine. "That's it," he whispered. "You are so much better at this than Bella."

His eyes fell to her face as she lifted her head a little. "Can we not talk about her right now?"

He leaned forward, grabbing her ass and pulling her up onto his lap. He pushed her undies to one side and entered her roughly. His eyes met mine again as he cooed, "You're right, baby, she's nothing."

I slunk back to the bedroom, just making it into the ensuite before I hurled. I continued to empty my stomach until I was dry-retching, my tears mixing with the bile in my mouth. My confrontation with Demetri the next morning had been short and explosive. He told me that his tryst with Tanya was to remind me that he was the only one who was allowed to touch my body. I told him to go _touch_ himself and left.

I was alone, friendless and trapped in Brisbane. I called Dad in tears. He arranged some accommodation but it was only temporary - for two months tops. I started to stalk the library for Edward - who thought I was perfect. I pushed the pain Izzy had been dealt by him out of my mind and pursued him relentlessly. Within a month we were together. Then, when I told him of my accommodation issues he invited me to move in with him. Two months after the library incident and we were every part the happy couple, outwardly anyway. Inwardly, the doubt about whether he just liked me for my new physicality took hold. Insidious thoughts crept through me in the dark of night, whispering that he wouldn't want me if I was still Izzy Dwyer.

One day his brother came over unannounced. I'd only met him once in my new persona so I was surprised when he dropped by. He told me he thought it was great that Edward had finally decided to date, that he'd secretly wondered for years if his brother was gay.

"Or maybe it was just that only the fugliest of the fugly ever showed an interest. You're the first chick to be interested in him who was booming."

I thanked him for coming over and showed him out abruptly after that. He had just proven my inner demons were right. Edward was only with me for my looks. I began to worry about what would happen when they began to fade. I realised I couldn't allow myself to fall any further in love with Edward Cullen or I would die when he left.

I panicked. I needed to protect my heart and my sanity. Edward Cullen was no good for me. I packed everything I owned up into my bags. I left him a note, telling him I was sorry and that I needed time to work out what I needed for myself. And then, like a coward, I slunk from the townhouse. My tears were my only companion now. I had nowhere to go, no money and no one to turn to. I couldn't ring my dad. I couldn't face being labelled as the girl who followed her heart twice only to wind up alone. I went into the university and transferred to external study. As I was leaving I saw a sign on a Bulletin Board advertising for jobs which paid big money for short hours. I knew it was too good to be true. When I found out exactly what the job entailed I cried for an hour. But I also knew I couldn't be picky, I needed money if I was going to get by.

For two months I lived in a shit-hole apartment; stripping each weekend night and studying every day. I thought I had finally gotten lucky one day when Royce King, a local TV celebrity, approached me after a set one night.

"Hey, honey. You did a really good job up there," he purred to me.

"Thanks," I said dismissively. We weren't supposed to talk to the patrons, unless they were shoving money into our bra that is.

He reached out and grabbed my hand. "It's my bachelor party tonight, I was thinking you might be able to show me a good time."

I shook my head. "Sorry, I can't."

"Really?" He said, shaking his head sadly as his eyes trailed over my body. "You know," his voice grew thoughtful. "I have a new show coming up soon. I think you'd be perfect for it. You should audition for me sometime."

I turned and smiled demurely at him. "Oh, are you going to play casting agent now?" I batted my eyelids. "I go down on you on the casting couch and get the role?"

He shrugged and stepped closer to me. "Something like that."

I laughed. "I'm sorry, I'm not that desperate. Or that stupid."

He scowled at me, before smiling and turning his charm back on. "Of course not," he said. He pulled out a cheque book, he scribbled something down and folded it before handing it to me. "I can make it worth your while to do a private dance for me and my buddies."

I looked over at his friends. They were all smiles. Each one of them were well-dressed in expensive suits. I gave Royce another look over before deciding he was just out for a little bit of fun before getting married. He'd probably been forced into asking me as a dare from his mates. I bit my lip for a minute. I was still going to say no, but then I opened the cheque. It was made out for five thousand dollars. That was almost six weeks work for me. It would give me a little space in my budget to go out and buy my books for next semester. I nodded.

"Great, princess, we'll pick you up at the end of your shift. Wear something... _nice._"

His tone of voice told me to wear something that was anything but nice. I decided my cowgirl outfit would work well. At a little after one am I was standing out the front, anxiously waiting for them to collect me. I was equally terrified and excited. If this was the sort of money I could earn from private gigs, I might have to do them more often.

I climbed in the car when it pulled up and Royce whispered to me how beautiful I was and how he couldn't wait for me to dance for him. When we reached the house I was carried from the car on the shoulders of two of the men, lifted like a trophy collected on a hunt. We had barely got in the door before Royce was demanding I dance. He cranked up the stereo and busted out a bottle of booze, he poured it straight down his throat from the bottle and then held it over me so I could do the same.

He ground up against me, his erection rubbing the inside of my leg. I stepped away from him in shock. I was used to the club's rules. Look but don't touch. The only time we came near a penis was during a private lap dance, and even then bouncers were nearby to stop it from escalating out of control. I looked around me in panic, there was no escape for me here. No one to step in and help if things went too far. He rounded on me, grabbing my ass and forcing his crotch against mine. I gasped and tried to pull away. He slapped me across my face. Tears stung my eyes as I clawed at him. His friends pounced on me, I felt hands and mouths touching me. Clamouring all over my body. I screamed loudly, begging them to stop.

Royce held up his hand. "Stop," he commanded. He looked me in the eye, his voice was cold and deadly when he spoke next. "I'm going to get what I paid for."

I used the freedom I had to run for my bag. I pulled the cheque out and ripped it to pieces in front of him. "There. No harm, no foul." My voice sounded braver than I felt.

"Oh, I wouldn't say that." He stepped towards me.

I let out a yelp and turned to run, clutching my bag in my arms. I couldn't get out the front door because someone was standing in front of it. I didn't know where a back door was. So I did the only thing I could do. I raced into the first room I could find that had a lock on the door. I pulled out the phone and dialled the number of the only person in Brisbane I could trust enough to keep me safe, even if eventually he would leave me heartbroken. "Edward..." I breathed as I heard him answer the phone. I hadn't anticipated the rush of butterflies I would get hearing his voice.

"What is it? Are you okay?" he asked, his voice filled with concern. Concern for me - for my wellbeing.

"I...don't know."

"Where are you?" he asked.

"I'm at a bachelor party," I sobbed. "They... they won't let me leave. I locked myself in a room after they attacked me."

He growled into the phone, causing me to sob harder. "What the hell are you even doing there?"

"I just needed the money. I thought it would be safe."

"What the fuck, Bella? Are you fucking stripping?" I knew he was angry with me. He never used swear words normally.

Someone knocked on the bathroom door. "Listen, slut, we want what we paid for. You've got five minutes to come out and give us some attention."

"Just give me the address." He sighed. I knew I was being an inconvenience to him. I realised he'd probably moved on with his life already.

I gave him the address and hung up the phone. I rested my back against the door and sobbed, ignoring the occasional pounding as different people tried to coax me out. Finally a different knock marked a new arrival. It was soft and gentle and I knew who it was even before he spoke.

"Bella, sweetie, it's me...it's..." he began.

I already had the door open and was in his arms.

"Edward," I whispered into him.

I was being carried from the house moments later. It broke my heart to know that this was the only place I ever wanted to be, yet it was the place that would cause me the most amount of pain in the long run.

* * *

**A/N:- Hmmm, should I go into hiding? ;) B started talking to me, she wanted a chance to tell her side of the story. So I let her talk, thinking it would be a good outtake or something and suddenly I had a full length chapter which I thought gave an interesting perspective on things. Interested to hear what people think about B after this chapter. Do you still hate her, do you feel sorry for her. Do you think she should STFU & let E tell his story LOL. **


	5. Faithful Companion

**Chapter 5: Faithful Companion**

**

* * *

**

_- EPOV -_

I couldn't concentrate on the road ahead of me. The stress of rehashing old memories was starting to get to me. The weight of my unshed tears combined with inescapable exhaustion and pricked harshly at my eyes. I tried rubbing them to stop the burning, but the relief was only minor and temporary.

I knew I was playing a dangerous game, driving tired along dark roads with even darker thoughts. I was only four hours into my journey, but it was already well into the early hours of the morning. I tried to convince myself to continue, but my mind wouldn't cooperate. I pushed on for another few kilometres until I just couldn't continue. I pulled off to the side of the highway again. I needed sleep but I knew it would elude me, because Bella was waiting for me, and for her I would walk barefoot through the fiery pits of hell. In fact, I wondered if I already had.

I decided to try to close my eyes and attempt to get a few minutes of unconsciousness and peace at least. However, my mind rebelled. Instead of nothingness and rest, images of Bella during our time together assaulted my thoughts. I thought about her and wondered - not for the first time - why I wasn't enough. I didn't understand how she could simultaneously give me the greatest pleasure and inflict the deepest hurt. I tallied up the times I had thrown everything aside for her and the number of times she had thrown me away - it came up almost even. I knew I was wrong for loving her still, but I couldn't help it. I despised the fact that regardless of how much I loved her, we never seemed to work out. I gave her all the love in the world - more than anyone else could ever give her - and yet she continuously rejected everything I offered. I could never despise _her_ though, not even after all the heartache I had lived through. Sometimes it was easy to accept her rejection because I knew I didn't deserved an ounce of what she had to offer - she was so far out of my league that our leagues couldn't even see each other anymore.

Despite all that, I was confident in the knowledge that I was her one true friend. I was the only person in the world who knew how fragile she truly was. She allowed me rare glimpses into the pain that existed behind that perfect, confident facade she wore for the world. That was why I couldn't let her down - ever. I knew she never intended to hurt me - even if did I get hurt along the way. She was just unable to commit to me for some reason, but then, she was unable to commit to anything for long.

* * *

"Real estate is a great investment, Bella," I insisted. Bella's grandmother had passed and left her a small amount of money. I knew it would be a shame if Bella was frivolous with it so I was trying to convince her to do something worthwhile with the funds.

"Edward, I don't have that much of a deposit. I hardly even have ten grand. It wasn't like my Nana was made of money."

"Ten grand is a start, and if you invest it in real estate you will see it grow so much."

"I won't be able to get a loan. I don't even work full-time."

I sighed. "I can help you, Bella. We can buy the house... together." The thought of doing anything with her made my heart skip a beat. Although our relationship had been a little tumultuous at the start, and the whole issue with the stripping had put the brakes on us for a while, I still loved her desperately and knew she was the only one I ever wanted to be with. I would do anything just to be close to her - even if it was just as friends.

She kissed my cheek. "I couldn't ask you to do that!"

"You don't have to ask... I offered. Besides, I already told you - real estate is a good investment. We can buy a house that is just a little bit tired. We can freshen it up and then flip it. You never know, with some of my designs we might even make some serious money in the long run."

"I'm just not sure it's the best idea..." she said haltingly, "I mean, I love you and you are such a great friend to me, but it's a huge step - I mean _home-ownership_. It's just something I've never given much thought to."

I grasped her hand, I wanted so desperately to pull her into a tight embrace and kiss her to let her know I was there for her, but I let her lead in all things intimate. Anytime we'd attempted to push things further, to make love, it always ended the same way - with Bella crying in the bathroom having locked me out. Nothing I could say to her helped. I figured it was due to memories of her attack at Royce King's house and didn't want to push her on it. The last thing I wanted to do was force her to commit to a relationship she wasn't ready for.

"Well, give some thought to it," I said, kissing her knuckles. "We'd make great partners."

If only she would see how great a partnership we would be. She seemed content to flit from one easy relationship to another while I remained steadfastly on the sidelines. Sure, I was able to run a play occasionally - but I wanted to be on her team permanently.

"Okay," she said, flashing me one of her million dollar smiles. "I'll _think_ about it."

"Just don't take too long," I teased. "Or you'll have spent all that money of yours. I've heard how expensive looking good can be."

Her face dropped like a puppet with a broken string. It upset me to see her smile fade so quickly, but I was long used to her mercurial moods. I knew one word or statement was enough to send her retreating into herself for days. Eventually, I learned to just pretend as if nothing had happened, just be myself and eventually she would snap out of it again.

"I said I'll think about it." She closed her eyes and turned away.

I sighed. I hated when the distance between us grew, much preferring the closeness that our friendship exhibited during the better times. I refused to release her hand and eventually she turned back towards me. I touched my finger to the underside of her chin. "Why don't we go see a movie?" I suggested. "You don't need to make any decisions now."

She relented and gave me a weak smile that didn't reach her eyes. I made it my mission to ensure the return of her true smile as quickly as possible. I took her to a sappy romantic comedy and together we laughed at the stupidity of the main characters. It was always so obvious how in love they were with each other, yet something always seemed to stand in their way. I vowed never to let anything stand between Bella and I, not once I finally got her to open up to me properly.

We went for a late dinner at a local Thai restaurant before retiring to my house with a bottle of tequila to share. It wasn't long before we were settling in for a night of lick-sip-suck shots. They were a favourite of mine, if only because they gave me an opportunity to watch Bella's tongue glide smoothly across the skin of her hand. I couldn't help picturing that tongue moving across other parts of skin - preferably on my body. I tried to maintain an air of calm as the night progressed and she grew flirtier. At some point, she decided it would be a good idea to play a game of truth or dare. I went along with it, because there was nothing I wouldn't do for her.

"Truth," I said. It was our fourth round and the questions were starting to get a little more personal - the drunker we got, the more invasive the questioning. I wasn't scared of sharing anything with her though. She owned every part of my heart and soul anyway.

"Um," - she looked away from me, no doubt trying to think of the most mortifying question she could - "when did you lose your virginity?"

I blushed, because of course she would ask _that_, but how could she not know the answer already. Girls were never interested in me. I was the boring one, the geeky one, the one tortured at school by the prettiest girls who would laugh at me when I showed any was only one girl who showed trued interest in me, and she just asked me a question. "At university," I whispered.

She spun her head around quickly. "Really?"

I nodded.

"Who with?" The curiosity burned deep in her eyes and I knew she wanted to know whether it was with her.

I could have answered - maybe it would have changed things, maybe not - but I decided to play by the rules of the game instead. I gave the best smile I could manage - which came off feeling more like a grimace - before shaking my head coyly. "One question each round."

She narrowed her eyes at me, desperately wanting to know, but then waved her hand for me to proceed.

"Truth or dare?" I asked.

"Truth," she said, wringing her hands slightly before biting her lip.

I wondered whether I should ask her the same question she had asked me, but then I worried that maybe I wouldn't really want to know. "Who was the first person you ever had a crush on?"

She burned bright scarlet and tears began to form in her eyes. I furrowed my brow at the reaction to my innocent question.

"I meant dare," she said quickly.

I chuckled a little. "Is it that mortifying?" I asked.

She sat silently, her eyes fixed straight ahead. Slowly they grew glazed and the tears thickened.

I hated seeing her upset so I wrapped my arm around her tightly. I cursed myself for asking such a stupid question. I knew her history with her mum and being shipped around a lot so I shouldn't have brought up anything about the past.

"You don't have to talk about it," I whispered. "But I'm here for you if you want to."

That elicited a sob. She turned to me. "We're friends right?"

_Oh how I wish we were so much more than that. _"Yes," I whispered.

"Will you answer me something then?" she asked.

I nodded, all pretences of the game forgotten. "Of course... anything."

"Why do you love me?"

I would have laughed if it were not such a solemn moment. _How could I not love her?_ She was warm, caring, nurturing and, despite her flighty tendencies, was very loving. She may have had issues from her past that had damaged her and inflicted ugly scars across her beautiful soul, but it didn't change how I saw her. She would always be perfect - and perfect for me. I squeezed her softly into my side. "Because you are such a beautiful person," I whispered. "You're perfect." And she was - she was stunning, inside and out.

She sobbed harder and tried to pull away. I released my grip a little, never wanting to force her into anything she didn't want to do. She stood and walked a few steps, creating a gaping chasm between us - even if it was only a few centimetres. "I should be getting home," she said, wrapping her arms tightly around her body.

"Don't," I whispered. "Please... stay for the night."

She issued another small sob and it broke my heart. I wanted her to know how lovely she was, and how loved. I would love her with all of my heart until the day it gave up beating and even then, I was certain I would find some way to continue to love her.

She turned back around and before I knew it, her lips were on mine. I could taste the salt from her tears, but I wanted to kiss them away. Her tongue slipped between my teeth to wrestle with my own. I lifted her up and carried her back to the couch. I laid her softly onto the cushions, hovering lightly over her as our tongues continued to communicate. She pulled me harder into her as she leaned backwards. I responded by pressing my body into hers, rubbing my erection into her pelvis. She moaned slightly against my mouth.

She pushed me off her slightly and began to undo the buttons on her top. "Is this what you want, Edward?" she whispered seductively, a trace of the pain she had been feeling still in her voice.

I nodded softly. "I want you, every part of you." I wanted to help her erase her sad memories, and fill her with hope and happiness of what we were. Of what we could be - together. I needed her to see that before she found someone else who would never love her as much as I could - as much as I _did_.

Her hands pulled my face gently back to hers again and her tongue slipped back into my mouth. Between the tequila and...well... _her_, it was difficult for me to concentrate on anything else.

One hand supported my weight above her while my other found its way onto the lace of her bra. I kneaded her breast gently before dipping my fingers under the material. I moaned in unison with Bella as my fingertips grazed her nipple. I knew suddenly, and without doubt, that I needed to taste her now. I moved my mouth from hers and trailed tender kisses along her neck. My fingers ran up her strap before gently pushing it to one side, allowing her breast to spill free. I growled softly at the sight.

I pulled back to take in the whole picture of her in front of me. "Bella, you are perfect. Just perfect."

I wiped an errant tear away with my thumb and kissed her cheek softly, peppering kisses along her jaw and taking her breast into my mouth. I gave a delighted moan as she mewed softly at the contact. I wanted to make her feel good first and foremost. I wanted to erase whatever bad thoughts were in her mind. I wanted to make love to her. I wanted to make love _with_ her.

* * *

I let out a small sob as my need for her crashed over my whole body. Just two months ago, I had finally learned how to shake the feeling. I had managed to climb out of bed and live. I cursed her for making me feel like this. I cursed her for her ability to send my world hurtling off-axis with just a few simple words. But mostly I cursed myself for not being enough for her. After that night - that wonderful, perfect night when I'd moved inside her, and we'd made a beautiful harmony of notes of pure pleasure groaned out as our bodies beat out a soft percussion - I didn't see her for three months.

She was gone when I woke up in the morning. She'd left a note on my pillow - if you could call her name followed by three x's a note - and her presence, because her presence was the one constant that remained whenever she went. The ghost of her haunted me constantly - even now in the darkened car on the side of a highway, I could imagine her scent wafting delicately around me.

* * *

"It's perfect, Edward," Bella exclaimed, giving me a small embrace.

The house we'd just looked through was everything she had been looking for, but somehow I couldn't get excited. Waking up in an empty bed four months previous - after a night that would live forever in my mind - had left me shaken and I still wasn't sure I could trust her not to leave again. I nodded appropriately as Bella pointed out various walls and told me what colour she would paint them, but I couldn't garner her level of excitement.

I had tried to talk to her about why she left, but she simply said she had needed space. Apparently 'space' was code for 'some bloke named Jacob', because since she'd turned up again he had called repeatedly asking for another chance. After the first phone call, I had left my townhouse to clear my head. When I came back, she was in tears and I was hopelessly stuck. I knew I couldn't turn my back on the fragile beauty that asked for nothing and everything from me simultaneously. When she'd come tumbling back into my life she had told me it was just for a short time - that she was taking my advice and getting into real estate. I tried to take comfort in the fact that home-ownership meant that she would have something to tie her down, something that would keep her nearby me and in my life in some capacity.

For that reason alone, I had agreed to help her find something. The next day I had called an old school friend turned realtor, James, and he'd readily offered to help us out. It had taken a month of shopping around and countless open homes and inspections before we finally arrived at the house she had declared to be 'perfect'. It was a month of holding out hope and having it dashed. It was a month of dancing around each other endlessly. It was a month of never-ending heartbreak. I was desperate to pull her into me and beg her to never leave again, but I could tell she wasn't ready for such a declaration. I didn't know if she ever would be and that broke my heart. It didn't help that I knew from our past that I would never be enough to hold onto her.

My body slept beside her every night but the distance between us had never felt so vast. When I closed my eyes at night, I couldn't trust the fact that she would be there when I opened them again.

Any morning that she rose before me and I woke in an empty bed sent blind panic surging through my body. I would search desperately for a sign - any sign - that she hadn't left permanently. I could only breath again once I heard a noise in the kitchen or bathroom, or when I saw her suitcase still beside the bed. Then I would roll over, pull the blankets over my head and sob quietly until I could garner the strength to pull myself up and out of my bed. By the time I finally faced Bella each morning, I had worked my face into a smile and ironed the sorrow out of my voice. She didn't need to know how much pain she was inflicting on me with her presence - because that would make her leave. No matter how much it hurt to have her close, I knew it would be worse once she left.

She'd signed the contract on the house that afternoon and didn't stop beaming about her choice. Eventually, I felt her enthusiasm worming its way through me. It was really happening. Bella had purchased a house and it was close to me. She would be near me permanently. I felt that once I had that permanency, I could work on showing her that I would be the most devoted person in her life. I would be the perfect choice for her because, even though she deserved much more than I had to offer, I would love her more than anyone else could. I just needed her to be there.

It was two days later that the plan I had came crashing down around me. Bella ran into my townhouse in tears, slamming the door behind her.

I raced to find her, quickly wrapping my arms around her. "What is it?" I asked.

"The bank declined my application. They said I haven't been in my job long enough, that I didn't have a good enough savings history." She was mad at the beginning, but had dissolved to tears by the time she finished.

I could see my dreams of having her nearby for good slipping away like wisps of cloud blown by the wind. I tried anything I could to hold onto them. "I can help," I found myself saying before I thought about the repercussions.

"How?" she asked. "How can you help?"

I didn't know. I just knew I wanted to take away the pain that I lived through everyday knowing she could be gone at any time. I needed to give her back her dream. "I... I can buy it with you... if you like?"

"You... you'd do that?" she asked, incredulous. "For me?"

_I'd do anything for you._ "Of course," I whispered. "I told you - real estate is a good investment. I'm sure we can double our money very quickly."

"Of course." She nodded solemnly, blankly. "But do you think it will make a difference?"

"I have a little money - maybe you can use that as an extra deposit. I have a good work history. It couldn't hurt."

She threw her hands around my neck and kissed my cheek. "Thank you."

I rested my forehead on hers and prayed that it would make a difference.

It had. The bank allowed the loan to slip through and that was when the real trouble began. At first, Bella had paid the mortgage on her own but two months after we'd bought the house, she'd lost her job. For me that meant it was time to either step up and pay the cost of our joint debt or take the hit and share in the loss. I had spent so much time at the house, painting and doing the odd jobs that it needed to freshen it up I couldn't stand the thought of losing it. Of losing that small part of life that I shared with her. I cancelled out of the lease on the townhouse and moved in to the house with Bella.

It wasn't perfect. It wasn't how I wanted it - but it was what I wanted, life with Bella. Permanency with Bella. It was difficult going to work, knowing that Bella would be at home the whole day. One night we were on the couch watching TV, her legs resting across my lap in a familiar and comfortable position, when she told me how she felt scared during the day. She had wept about how the noises the house made frightened her. I had listened and plotted.

That weekend. I had taken her to the RSPCA. I instructed her to pick out any dog she wanted. She wandered around the room three times before settling in front of the cage of a little pug.

"You can't be serious," I said.

"I'm deadly serious. Look at him." She laughed, rising to her feet.

"He's not going to scare away intruders. He's not even going to scare away a cat."

She swatted my arm playfully. "He's what I want."

"But look at him," I said.

"What about him?" she asked, crossing her arms across her chest.

"He's ugly," I whispered, leaning away from the cage as if the dog might hear and become offended.

Her face fell and her whole body seemed to droop perceptibly. She knelt in front of the cage again and stuck her fingers through for the dog to lick. "Not everyone cares about looks," she said, so softly I almost didn't hear.

"No, not everyone does, but a lot of people do," I said, wishing that she wouldn't. I knew I was geeky and lanky. I looked nothing like the men she always me left for. I wished I was enough for her.

She nodded sadly. "Sometimes looks are the only thing that matter aren't they?"

Her words confirmed what I'd always feared. I was always going to be just a friend to her because I didn't look right. I would always be just a friend to her - even though she owned every piece of me. Suddenly, I could see myself in the dog. The ugly little dog with the turned up nose that Bella was willing to love, if only for its ability to be a faithful companion.

"I think we should get him," I said.

"Really?" she asked.

I nodded.

"Even though he's ugly?"

I smiled. "I don't mind if you don't."

She shook her head and I pulled her into me. As I did I wiped an errant tear from her cheek. How could I refuse to get anything that she liked - and possibly could grow to love?

I reached into the back seat and stroked Moses' as he slept. I wasn't sure I welcomed the path my memories were treading - the times that followed that day were the best of our best. I wasn't sure whether memories of the good times were better than memories of the bad. All I knew was that they hurt. All of them hurt. I squeezed my eyes shut in an attempt to block out the pain. I was tempted to swing the car around and just drive home, but the ghost of Bella whispered through the car. Even in the silence, I could hear the pain in her voice as she whispered her plea for me to go to her. She needed me. Now was not the time to give up on her.

I pulled the car back onto the highway, a new resolve in my mind. This time I would not settle for telling her anything less than the absolute truth. I would lay myself bare for her in a way I had never done. I would make sure it was all out in the open. It was going to be all or nothing. She would either have me or reject me. The thought ripped my heart apart but I knew we couldn't keep travelling along the same fucked up path we always had.  
Something had to change.

* * *

**A/N:- Sorry for the time in getting this up. RL has been kicking my butt something shocking lately. I am not sure if anyone is reading this who hasn't read Chasing Victory yet one of my lovely fic-wifeys Gabbysway2 is hosting a #readalong on Twitter this Friday (wow that snuck up fast) 6:30pm PST (which is actually this 11:30am Saturday AEST for all us Aussies) I hope to see some old friends & new readers enjoy the journey of the first half of CV.**


	6. Conclusion

**Chapter 6: Conclusion**

_A/N: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. (In other words – I don't own it, I'm just playing). Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it! Thanks to my beta FE71SH for working the magic._

* * *

**- EPOV -**

The markers counted down the passing kilometres until finally I arrived. Dawn was just beginning to creep over the horizon as I passed the sign that declared I was entering town. My heart began to pound and my palms grew sweaty against the steering wheel. I found a safe place to pull over and looked up the address Bella had given me as a distraction from the dizziness I felt. Once my nausea had settled, I turned the car back onto the road and headed towards her house, with my heart resting somewhere in my throat.

I passed a cafe and decided to stop for breakfast. I needed desperately to see Bella, but I just had to take a minute to get hold of myself first. I ordered bacon and eggs and, once it had arrived, stared at it blankly until it went cold. Finally, I gave up on the idea of eating and left.

I stopped at a public restroom and splashed my face with some water. I was so close-mere minutes away from the address Bella had given me-but I couldn't close that final distance. After a long night driving as fast as I could, I suddenly needed to take some time. Something in me kept stalling, and I knew it was because of the resolve I had come to during my drive. Part of me shied away from my decision to tell her the truth, knowing it would cut the ties between us because she couldn't possibly feel the same way about me. I just couldn't allow her to keep ripping my heart in two-even if it was unintentional.

The sensible part of me knew I needed to tell her that I couldn't see her anymore. That she couldn't rely on me to rescue her when she was in trouble. I knew it meant that I would have to sell our house. I would have to rid my life of every reminder of her, which would hurt. Hell, even thinking about it was a stab in the gut. But I knew from experience that stumbling across a random article when I wasn't prepared for it hurt more. Much more. Two months after she'd left me the last time, I found a hairbrush buried in the bottom drawer of the kitchen. It had rendered me helpless for over an hour. I had fallen to the floor and been unable to do anything more than stare at the reminder of her long, silken brown hair.

I looked at myself in the rusted and broken mirror and chastised myself for not being stronger. If I had been more in control years ago, I wouldn't have been in so deep now. I blew out my breath and headed back to the car.

I made a quick phone call to work when it was late enough in the morning. I apologised, but told them a family emergency had come up and I would need the week off. Thankfully, Aro was understanding, largely due to how reliable I had been since I started work. He said to take as long as I needed, but I could detect a tone in his voice that told me I couldn't rely on anything more than a few days.

Only after I could think of no further reason to stall, did I climb back into the car and drove to the address Bella had given me. I took a deep breath and let out a sigh as I climbed from the car. I walked up the long drive to the front door. It seemed the more steps I took, the longer the path became. I reached the house after what seemed like an eternity. I took another deep breath and knocked.

The door flew open, and Bella was on me and around me, filling my senses and weakening my resolve. I couldn't even see her, she was pressed so close to me.

"Oh, Edward," she murmured, before kissing my cheek.

My body hardened as a natural reaction to her.

"I missed you," she whispered.

I nodded. _I missed you too_, I thought. I tried to speak, but my mouth was too dry.

"Is Moses in the car?" she asked, letting me go and darting off without waiting for an answer.

I heard the car door open, but I couldn't bring myself to turn and look. I swallowed the lump that was in my throat. "I can't do this," I said as loudly as I could.

The car door shut again and I heard her breathing pitch for a second or two. "Can't do what?" she asked cautiously.

"This," I hissed. "_Us_."

The next time she spoke her voice was soft, quiet, and right behind me. "What about us?"

I wanted to see her face but I couldn't risk looking at her, or I would risk losing my resolve. "I can't pretend that nothing's happened. I can't act like you didn't leave me over a year ago."

"Edward?" she asked, her voice was confused. "We weren't together."

I closed my eyes. "We shared a bed every night."

"So?" she asked. "You're my best friend."

"No," I whispered, my voice failing me. "I can't. _I won't_."

"Can't what? Won't what?" she hissed, her confusion growing to anger.

I turned to her to tell her that I couldn't stay with her, that I needed her to release me so I could just move on, but once I saw her face, all I could think of was what her lips would taste like on mine. I did something I could never remember doing. I made the first move, reaching out and crashing her into me. My hands caressed her face and my tongue sought entry into her mouth. I kissed her long and hard until I could taste her tears. I felt her pulling away from me. I knew she would never want me as much as I wanted her. The part of my heart that would always belong to her fractured and fell away.

I stepped back from her, dropping my arms to my side.

Her eyes were filled with tears as she looked up at me through her lashes. She opened her mouth to speak, but closed it again before touching her fingertips to her lips.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I shouldn't have done that. I...I just needed to say goodbye."

"Goodbye?" she repeated in disbelief.

I realised it probably seemed inconceivable to someone as perfect as her that someone would be able to walk away, but I knew I needed to. I could already feel the ache that would no doubt stay with me for months, possibly years, but I knew it needed to happen.

"You can keep Moses if you like," I whispered. "I'll arrange for someone to sell the house."

"No dammit," she snapped. "That's my house too."

"Fine," I said, defeated. "You arrange for someone to sell it then."

She shook her head. "Why, Edward?" she sobbed. "What's changed?"

"I have," I said. "I can't do this. I can't live this lie anymore."

"Lie," she whispered.

I nodded. "I just can't do it. I need to move on, and as long as this"- I waved between us - "goes on, I never will." I dropped my head and walked back towards the car, breathing out a sigh of relief. I hadn't said all I wanted to say, but at least I had told her that I couldn't jump when she called anymore.

I had taken three steps before her fingers closed around my arm. "What exactly do you think this is?" she asked.

I closed my eyes and whispered words that I knew would drive her away. "This... was a mistake. I should never have let it go on as long as I did. I'm tired of pretending to be happy, when I'm not."

Her hand dropped away from me as if she'd been burned and I used the space to walk away. Somehow, my mercy dash to Cairns had resulted in a bloodbath-the only problem was that it was my blood that had spilled. It shouldn't have surprised me though, it was the story of my life.

* * *

From the outside, my life probably looked perfect. I had attended the best schools and received good grades. My parents always had plenty of money and never shied away from lavishing Emmett and I with anything we wanted. But that was the lie, only I knew the truth.

My life was nothing more than a series of awkward moments and uncomfortable situations. By the time I started at University, I was aware of what I was-and as comfortable with it as I would ever be. I was a nerd, a geek, a bookworm, pick whatever term and it applied to me. In high school, I was gangly and considered more than a little strange by all and sundry.

At least when I was in primary school looks and what was 'cool' was fairly irrelevant. You earned friends based on the person you were, not who you were friends with or what you looked like. The worst day of my life was the day we moved to Brisbane and I started at a new school. From the very first day, it was clear that Emmett was _in_. There was never a doubt that he would be popular. The girls wanted him, the boys wanted to be him. In fact, I had no doubt that some of the girls wanted to be him and some of the boys wanted him.

I was an even greater outcast than I had ever been before. Girls would cross to the other side of the path to avoid even the potential of coming close to me. Occasionally, some of the crueller members of the pack would tease me; leading me on, only to laugh me off if I actually showed an interest.

Special occasions like Valentine's Day were the hardest each year. When the roses that students had paid a dollar to have delivered to classmates arrived, I sat stoic-staring firmly ahead and trying not to let anyone think I cared whether I was included or not. One valentine in particular stood out in my memory because of the wounds it had caused. There was one girl-who I had always thought was actually one of the nicer people in the school-who approached me with a card. My heart skipped a beat when I looked up to see her. She was very pretty; her chestnut hair was pulled back into a low ponytail and her smile was filled with all the colours of the rainbow.

I glanced down at the card. 'To the Coolest Boy I know' was written in bold letters across the front. My heart plummeted as I realised it was just another joke. Another person taking advantage of me for their own amusement. I dropped my eyes back to my book so that she couldn't see the tears of anger that pricked at them. "I think you have the wrong brother," I said when I gathered enough control over my voice.

She shook her head, but wouldn't meet my eye when I looked back up at her. She'd obviously been put up to it by someone else. I grew angry at the stupid teenage antics that went down at school. I was disgusted that people found cruel taunts and teasing to be any source of fun. Of course, I also knew nothing I could do would ever change it.

"Trust me," I told her. "You've got the wrong brother."

I couldn't let her think she had got to me. If she thought I wasn't affected by her callous act, maybe she wouldn't have as much to laugh about with her friends. I stuffed my book in my bag, in a hurry to leave before she could take it to any other level.

"Wait," she whispered, her voice unsteady.

I wasn't sure whether she wanted to apologise or continue her wicked trick. Regardless, I wanted to shout at her for buckling to peer pressure. Obviously, she was getting something out of my humiliation-I just wasn't sure whether it was amusement or brownie points with some queen bee.

"No!" I exclaimed as I turned to her. "I don't know whose idea of a sick joke this is. But I don't find it funny."

I stalked off and headed straight home. I didn't even stop to think that by doing so I would miss my afternoon classes. I just needed to get out of there.

I walked through the streets to my house-a good hour-long walk from the school. I slammed the door shut once I arrived home. Mum rushed out to see what was wrong; apparently, the school had called her when I hadn't shown for my final period.

"Edward?" she stammered before pulling me tightly into her. "I've been so worried!"

I couldn't help what happened next, I just blurted out everything that was on my mind-telling her about the entire sad affair with Izzy Dwyer. A girl whose malice was so great that it shattered the last of the pride I'd retained since starting at the new school and a name that would live on forevermore in my mind as synonymous with the cruellest of women that walked the earth.

From that moment on, I had sworn off ever trying to understand women. I vowed that I would stay celibate, spending my time with books instead of people. It was a vow I withheld carefully-until I met Bella Swan.

* * *

I sat in the sand of the beach, staring blankly out to sea. I couldn't even remember how I got where I was, just that I had needed to put space between Bella and I. I fisted my hand in my hair angrily, pulling out small clumps each time I shifted my position. I wanted to growl or to scream and shout. I wanted to feel something. Pain, agony, anything. Instead, I sat passively watching the waves. I wondered for a few moments what it would be like to walk out into the water, to allow it to wash over my head and sweep me away. I was lost anyway.

I tried to think of my life without Bella-without the possibility of Bella. I had spent so many years as her friend, as her sometimes lover, as her saviour. I didn't know who I was without her. My life had been devoid of purpose each time she'd left, and yet this time I'd left her. I had spoken the parting words and walked away. A small, vindictive part of me wanted to celebrate that victory. To feel like I'd won something. But it was no consolation. Whether it had been her words or mine, her actions or mine, the result was the same-distance and emptiness.

I watched as the waves crashed against the shore. Each time one hit, new treasures were uncovered, scattering across the sand as an offering of peace, but as the water receded sharply, it pulled at the beach, robbing it of a little of itself and its newfound wealth. It struck me as the perfect metaphor for my life with Bella. Each time she returned, it seemed so beautiful-so full of treasure and promise-but each time she left I died a little more. I knew I could never love another; my mind, body and soul had been too tightly wrapped around thoughts of her for too long, but I also knew I had made the right choice telling her it was over.

_Over._

The word spun through my mind with a finality that it had never achieved before. Each time Bella had left, I had held out hope that maybe she would return. Each time she did, that hope-along with my desperation-increased exponentially. Now over meant exactly that. Finished. Complete. In my mind, I had drawn a line underneath our relationship. A thick black line that couldn't be erased, not by time or apologies.

I sighed before standing and brushing the sand from my palms. I knew I should get in the car and go somewhere else. But I didn't know where. I couldn't go home because Bella and I still had to finalise some details. I didn't even know if home would be 'home' anymore.

But at that moment, nothing else mattered-the sea was calling my name. I quickly stripped off all of my clothes except for my shorts and headed out into the wide expanse of ocean. I took a deep breath and dived beneath a wave-heading out as far as I could and allowing the current to wash me away.

* * *

**A/N:- Sorry for the delay on this chap. If you read any of my other stories you will know that RL is handing me some big challenges atm. Nothing I can't handle, but enough that I can't write nearly as much as I would ideally like. I am still actively working on all my WIPs, I just don't know how long it will be between chapters. I am aiming for one a fortnight (two weeks) for CV2 & one a month each for LL & this. Carlisle's Doctor will be an 'as time permits' thing, but I have some ideas burning away strongly, so hopefully I will be able to keep up with one a month for that too. I know that's a long wait for chapters, and I am sorry. If I could work out some way not to need sleep, or not to pay my bills without working, or for my study materials to magically appear in my mind without having to do it - trust me I would do it to write more. **


	7. Ocean

**Chapter 7: Ocean**

_A/N: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. (In other words – I don't own it, I'm just playing). Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it! Thanks to my beta FE71SH for working the magic._

* * *

- EPOV-

I floated aimlessly in the water for longer than I cared to admit. I felt numb as the water surrounded me. The sound and smell as I closed my eyes allowed me to block out everything-including the pain that threatened to envelop me. I knew all my feelings would return before long, and that I would be a mess when they did. I still had to return to Bella and work out the details of our permanent split. Little things needed to be decided, like who would keep what CD's. But there were the bigger issues we needed to resolve, issues that I couldn't wrap my unwilling head around. I had to work out whether I wanted to buy her share of the house and live in it despite the painful memories. Perhaps she would take the decision out of my hands and would want to buy me out. Maybe we would just sell it. I kicked my legs to carry me further from the shore. I wanted to put more distance between us. I needed space to think, or not think, whichever was more appropriate.

I watched as the shore sank into the ocean, my easy strokes pushing me further out to sea. I tried to force all thoughts from my mind and revel in the silence and peace of my solitude. Eventually though, the tranquillity wore off. Thoughts of Bella began to reverberate around my mind. Visions of her smile and her tears stretched before me. Images of her body flashed in front of my eyes. Her voice whispered softly to me. As she over took my senses one by one, panic grew within me over what I had done. I had told her I couldn't be with her anymore. I had left her alone after she'd called me for help. Dread settled in my stomach like an anvil, weighing me down. What if something happened to her while I was trying to find some peace? What if something happened after I left for good?

I closed my eyes to try to clear my head, my thoughts wandering to worrying places. I couldn't take them anymore and dove beneath the surface in an attempt to bring back the peace I had felt earlier. I thought I would find freedom by plunging deeper into the sea. The waves had been a calming influence before; they could be again. As soon as my head was fully submerged, visions of Bella began to assault me in earnest. I pushed deeper and forced myself to stay under the water, waiting for the peace to return.

Her arms reached out for me, pulling me downwards while her voice called out to me. Her hands held mine as I tried to yank them free. I knew in my heart I was already in too deep with her. I couldn't escape Bella anymore than I could ignore the pull of the sea. _Please,_ I begged her in my mind. _Please let me go. Leave me at peace._

The Bella in my visions shook her head with a sad smile. "I need you, Edward," she whispered. "You can never leave me."

I kicked away from her, spinning end over end in the water. I couldn't tell up from down and lost my orientation as the waves tossed me around harshly. I fought everything and nothing to find my way to the surface. My panic grew and I struggled against the ocean rather than floated with it. I tried to hold my breath but my lungs burned in agony and my mouth opened without my consent. I sank further under the waves as deep mouthfuls of salt water poured into my throat. I knew without doubt that it was the end.

After what felt like hours, but may have only been seconds, I managed to orientate myself enough to struggle to the surface. As my head broke through the waves, I took a deep lungful of air. I coughed and spluttered, fighting against the ocean's desire to claim me. Painstakingly slowly, I began to make my way back to the beach. Finally, my feet found purchase on the sand and I was free of the sea-temptress. I scrambled up the beach as quickly as I could with arms made of lead and legs of jelly.

I was relieved to be free. But quickly collapsed onto the sand. My body was aching with pain, every ounce of my reserves utterly spent. My lungs burned and I could barely breathe; each time I inhaled, it felt like razorblades ran through my throat; each time I exhaled, it was harder to inhale again.

I closed my eyes and fell into nothingness.

* * *

"Edward?" the voice of a Siren called to me.

The Siren screamed.

"Edward!"

The voice faded back into oblivion.

* * *

- BPOV -

I tried to pinpoint the precise moment my life came crashing down around me. It would be easy to blame Edward and say it was the instant I saw him collapse out of the ocean onto the beach. His skin pale and greyish, his lips purple and swollen. I rushed over to him, starting CPR but wondering if it would be meaningless due to my panic. Finally the ambulance came and took him away. I didn't get to see him again before...

It _would_ have been easy to blame him, but I knew that wasn't the moment that had sent my mind spiralling in a death dive of despair. It wasn't even his declaration that it was over between us that had done it. I had been surprised by that statement, of course, but more because I had never realised we were anything more than friends with benefits-I'd never asked for more than that after our first break-up and he'd never offered.

But I still knew that his declaration that we were over wasn't what started the unending pattern of failure I felt. I had been on the same dizzying cycle for months. For fourteen months. Ever since I had fled the safe haven of the house Edward and I had created, I had felt my life slowly unravel.

I tried to recall the reasons behind my move. Why I had left the comfort of home to travel with James.

"So you and Edward," James asked. "You seem happy together?"

I nodded. "He's a great friend."

"Friend?" James asked, a hint of incredulity in his voice. "I got the impression you two were something more than that. I mean you've just moved in together."

I sighed. I knew my relationship with Edward was anything but conventional, but I craved him. I needed him in my life, in any way I could have him. Since my epiphany that I couldn't have a proper relationship with him, I decided to try to tread another path. To walk the fine line between having him close and giving him my heart. I held my heart close, refusing to give it to Edward, knowing that if I did it would be shattered the instant my beauty began to fade.

James must have noticed the shudder that ran through me at the thought of a second rejection from Edward, because he moved his seat closer and rubbed my arm lightly before offering me his jacket. I accepted it with a smile. Ever since Edward had introduced the two of us, James had always been nice to me. He went to great lengths to ensure the houses that he showed me matched my description of my ideal house almost perfectly. He made me feel like more than just another sale, he made me feel valuable.

"Don't you worry that your living arrangement will turn off potential suitors?" he asked with a smile that showed all of his teeth.

I shrugged. I didn't mind if it kept the girls away from Edward. As selfish as it was, I couldn't imagine him with anyone else, even though I refused to try to claim him for my own. And I didn't want to look at other men. I had been with other men, but usually it was a distraction. Whenever I felt my heart tripping over itself toward Edward, I turned my eye to someone else. Someone I had no feelings for-someone safe.

When I was with Jake, I never once felt the threat of him leaving me hanging over my heart like the sword of Damocles. I had known that if he left me, I would have been unaffected. It wouldn't have torn my soul out through a fissure in my chest. The most painful thing about being with any of the other men I had been with was being away from Edward. It was ultimately the reason I left them all in the end too. My mind couldn't stop making comparisons between them and Edward, and they never lived up to him. They never could. No one ever would. Edward was unique. The depth of his beauty and his presence were enough to take me over and swallow me whole.

If I had thought at any stage Edward and I could make a long-term relationship work, I would have run to him with open arms. But I knew someone like me would never be enough to hold his interest for long.

"It's not fair to him you know?" James asked. "I mean, I've known Edward since we were at school. If you weren't with him, I'm sure there would be girls lined up around the block ready for their moment with him."

I shuddered at the thought.

"Do you want something more with Edward?" he asked.

I was about to open my mouth and tell him that I was happy with how we were, but instead tears sprung to my eyes. I found myself unleashing everything I felt about Edward on James. As I blubbered my way through my impromptu speech, James wrapped his arms around me.

"You think Edward will leave you?"

I nodded, wiping my eyes on a napkin he'd passed me. He sat back in his chair and regarded me carefully before speaking. I had expected him to stand up for his friend; to tell me I was wrong and try to placate my fears. Instead, his words confirmed my darkest fears.

"He never was known for his long-term girlfriends."

A sob cut through me, each syllable of his words an extra wound to my already broken heart. He waited patiently as I cried myself dry before rubbing his hands along my back.

"Maybe you should get out of town for a while?" he asked. "Take your mind off of it-off of him-for a few days. Then you can decide whether it's worth this-" he swiped his finger gently along my cheek, "to be close to him."

I nodded and allowed him to drive me home to pack up my things.

Two weeks later, I decided it was worth the pain to be with Edward. It may have hurt to think of him leaving me in the end, but the ache in my chest-the constant, tearing agony that stopped me from being able to breathe-was enough to tell me to go home. To go back to Edward.

I picked up the phone to call him and beg to be allowed back into his life, but Edward never answered. I hung up as soon as the girl answered. I didn't know who it was, I didn't need to know. The fact was there was an unknown girl at Edward's less than a fortnight after I'd left. It told me all I needed to know about our relationship. He didn't want me. He didn't even care that I'd left.

* * *

The next few months were far from perfect. I was heartbroken over Edward's easy dismissal of me. I'd tried calling another couple of times and each time the phone was answered by someone else. Sometimes it was his brother, Emmett, other times it was the girl. I began to wonder what she looked like. Was she just like me, only a newer, better model, or was she my opposite. Was she tall and blonde with boobs that looked like newly inflated balloons. I didn't know which would be worse and I tried not to care either way.

I lived with James for a while, he told me that Edward and Victoria had hooked up, but it wasn't anything serious. I wasn't sure that I believed him, but Victoria was pretty so it wouldn't have surprised me. I tried not to dwell on it, because even thinking of them together was enough to make me ill. James also made no secret of the fact he wanted there to be something more between him and me.

Only after six months of constant hounding did I finally relent. A particularly lonely night, a little bit too much booze, and my resistance dropped away. The next morning was by far the worst I'd ever experienced. I felt dirty. James wasn't the safe type that I usually tried to move on with. He was dangerous and had tastes, just like Edward. And, just like before, it felt like I had cheated on Edward, but James stalked around all morning like the kitten that ate the canary.

From there, things only got worse. James no longer saw me as a person, only as an acquisition. A trophy he had won that Edward hadn't been able to. I couldn't tell him that he would never own me like Edward did. Edward would own every piece of my heart and soul forever, even if I couldn't offer them to him without suffering. Loving him felt like both reward and punishment.

During the next six months, things spiralled utterly out of control. James grew violent. Starting with little things, like name-calling and pressuring for sex. One afternoon, he let his hand fly and I ran. I knew my mistake. It was better to have a short time with Edward and suffer the eventual heartbreak than to live like this.

I ran to my boss's house. She was the only person I had spoken to other than James in the entire time I'd lived in Cairns. James had organised the job for me, so I wasn't sure if I would be safe, but as soon as I had told her the story, she opened her home to me. I called Edwar_d as_ soon as I stopped crying for long enough to get out a few words.

As soon as I picked up the phone, the words tumbled out of my mouth. I was begging him to come to me, to set up a new life together. Even if I could only get five years with him, I knew they would be the happiest years of my life. Ever since I had made the phone call to Edward to ask him to come to Cairns, I had stared at the phone and debated calling him back and telling him not to. I was worried about James coming back. My skin shuddered at the thought of him being anywhere near me. I didn't sleep at all that night.

The first time I could relax was when I heard a quiet knock, at the door, and opened it to find Edward on the other side. I threw myself at him with reckless abandon, memories of the happier times flooding back to me. Memories of the little pug dog who had captured my heart at the pound. The little dog who Edward had thought was ugly but fell in love with anyway. The little dog that for precious few days had given me some sort of hope that maybe, just maybe, Edward could fall in love with the person inside. It had given me hope until I realised that there was no person inside any longer. During the length of our relationship, I had lost who I was. I had lost my dreams. Nothing existed-sometimes I wondered if it ever had existed.

Nothing reminded me more of what I had lost, of what I had never had, than when he suddenly kissed me. He had never once kissed me. We'd kissed, of course, but he'd never initiated it. In that kiss I saw the future I wanted, I saw a long and happy life with him. Pets, kids, love, and a couple sitting on the front porch after a lifetime together. It was everything I wanted, but the desperation I felt from him as he broke off the kiss told me it would never be. We'd had our chance, but we'd destroyed each other.

After he'd left to 'clear his head' I had sat with Moses and sobbed. A feeling of dread settled in the pit of my stomach a couple of hours after he had left. He didn't know anyone, he didn't know the area. I didn't know where he had gone, or what trouble he could be in. I tried to think of places that would draw him. Places familiar enough to offer some level of comfort. I could think of only one.

As I stepped onto the white sand, I saw Edward struggling from the ocean. I ran towards him, as he collapsed, unconscious and not breathing, onto the ground.


	8. Brown Eyes

**Chapter 8: Brown Eyes**

_A/N: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. (In other words – I don't own it, I'm just playing). Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it! Thanks to my beta FE71SH for working the magic._

* * *

- EPOV -

I was being jostled around and I groaned my discomfort. The movement hurt my already aching head. People shouted things at me and something was pressed tightly against my nose and mouth. Something tugged at my hand whenever I tried to move it. Light and shade flashed past my eyes as I tried to open them.

Amongst the meaningless noise around me, I managed to hear two words that simultaneously sent me flying and crashing, "Thank god." It was Bella's voice.

I cursed whatever hateful God sent the one woman I needed to escape from to be my personal angel. Emmett was right. I needed to be free of her...permanently. I hardened my heart as I listened to her sobbing.

* * *

I opened my eyes. The throbbing in my head had reduced slightly, to the point where it was almost bearable to hold my eyes open.

"Welcome back to the land of the living, Bro," Emmett's booming voice reverberated around the small room. "It took you long enough to get here."

"Where am I?" I asked. My voice was harsh and quiet, it sounded a little like gravel rolling slowly around in a cement mixer.

"You're in the comfort of the Royal Brisbane hospital."

I clenched my eyes, trying to remember what happened. Why was I in Brisbane? The last thing I remembered was Bella's face as I left her standing in her front yard after telling her I couldn't do it anymore. I groaned.

"What's up?" Emmett pounced on me, suddenly looking concerned. "Are you feeling alright?"

"I told Bella..." I groaned again. "Fuck, why did I tell her that?"

Emmett looked at me, surprised. "Did you finally man up?"

I tried to nod, but it resulted in a painful pulling across my face. I raised my hand and touched a tube that rested just below my nostrils. "I told her I couldn't do it anymore."

"Good on you," he said. "Although that does explain a few things."

I tried to sit-up, causing an ache to reverberate around my chest. "What?"

"Well, Mum said that Bella was 'most upset' when she arrived."

I could actually hear the air quotations.

"Apparently she demanded to be let in to see you at the hospital. She said she needed to talk to you."

I groaned. Mum had always liked Bella, but after helping me through our last break-up she hadn't been overly complimentary. The last time Bella left-when she'd taken off with James-was the first time I'd ever heard Mum utter the word 'bitch'.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Dude, you nearly fucking drowned. What the hell were you doing in the ocean alone?"

I shrugged, remembering the overwhelming call to sink below the watery depths.

Emmett stared at me, obviously his questions wasn't hypothetical and he genuinely wanted an answer.

"I don't know," I said, putting my hands up in defence. The IV in my right hand tugged slightly as I did, drawing my attention to my hands. Deep blue veins traversed and crossed my pale skin. I attempted to clench my fist but my muscles seemed to possess no strength. "I just needed...to _escape._" The last word left my mouth as a whisper.

"Were you _trying_ to kill yourself?" Emmett asked, not afraid to ask the honest question.

I shook my head. "I just..." I sighed. "I don't know. It just seemed like a good idea at the time."

"Well, next time you think something seems like a good idea, at least let someone know where you are going. I gotta give something to Bella, I may not like her, but she saved your life. If she hadn't found you..." he trailed off with a sad look in his eye.

"How is she?" I asked. I knew I wasn't really entitled to know since I'd told her it was over. _Over. _The word rang in my ears with a finality that made me want to retch.

"I don't know," Emmett whispered. "The last person to speak to her was Mum, and no one has seen her or heard from her since."

His comments served as a reminder of where I was. "Why am I in Brisbane?"

"I told you, you nearly died. You were unconscious for twenty-four hours, so they airlifted you back to Brisbane. Dad says it'll be some kind of miracle if you don't have brain damage, but I told him..."

"That I already am?" I guessed, with a small smirk on my lips-anything more than that was too painful.

He grinned. "Well, to let her play you like a fiddle for as long as you did, that's the only logical explanation really isn't it?"

I realised the moment the words left his lips that it was still much too soon for him to be joking about it. Pain ripped through me, ravaging me from the inside out. Emmett must have mistaken my groan of anguish for one of pain.

"Oh, sorry man, I forgot you were still recovering. I'll go now, I'll check back in on you later, okay?"

I nodded and pulled the blankets around myself carefully, effectively ending the conversation. I didn't even say goodbye to Emmett as he stood to leave. I lay under the blanket contemplating what should happen next. Eventually, I must have fallen back to sleep because when I woke a pair of beautiful brown eyes were regarding me carefully.

We stared at each other for a minute or two, neither of us willing to speak and break the tentative peace that rested in the silence between us. Finally, I could bear it no longer. "Bella," I croaked out, I wasn't sure I'd meant it as a greeting or as a curse.

Tears welled in her eyes as I watched. "I...I thought you were dead," she stammered.

I wondered if she meant _hoped_. "It would have made things easier," I muttered.

She looked at me aghast, firmly shaking her head. "You can't... Don't ever..."

Watching the fear, the pain, behind her eyes I knew that on some level she cared about me. It didn't fill me with hope though, just grief for what never could be.

Bella took a deep breath and reached out her hands for me. As soon as our skin touched she flinched as if burned, but held on tightly. "I spoke to your mother," she said.

I nodded. "I heard." Why was it so hard to talk to her?

She looked up at me in surprise. "Has she told you what we talked about?"

"Emmett...he told me about the meeting in Cairns."

She nodded, the surprise leaving her eyes only to be replaced with that same pain as before. "I talked to her about things...things I should have talked to you about long ago. Maybe if I had, we wouldn't be here now."

I tried to sit up, but between Bella's death-grip on my hand and the pain of moving my head, I couldn't. Bella laid her other hand on my chest and pushed me gently down. She left her hand there while the fingers on her other one remained linked with mine. I was sure she could feel my heart beating loudly under her soft palm.

"Don't," she whispered. "Just try to relax. I don't want to cause you any more pain."

The way she said 'more pain' made me think she knew something of my life both with and without her.

"I have something that belongs to you," she said, her voice a quite murmur.

Reluctantly she released my hand and bent over to retrieve something from beside her chair. What she placed in front of me confused me at first. It was just an old piece of card. It's once vibrant shade of purple was now only evident along the very edges. I turned it over curiously. Blazoned along the front in a childish hand, faded with the passage of time, were the words 'To the Coolest Boy I know'. I froze as I recognised it. My blood chilled in my veins before the heat of anger took over.

"Where the hell did you get this?" My voice burned with the cold fire of humiliation. How did on earth did Bella get her hands on the one object that could remind me of the worst day of my childhood.

Bella dropped her head, her loose hair creating a shield between us. "I made it."

I raised my shaking hand to her hair, pushing it off her face and tucking it behind her ear. "What are you trying to tell me?" I asked, my voice almost silent.

"I was born Isabella Swan, but when my mum left Dad and re-married, she changed my last name to Dwyer."

I couldn't make my lips form the question I needed to ask. Bella seemed to interpret my silence as a demand for more information. "One day, I gave that to a boy. I thought he was the best, and most special boy in the world." Her eyes took on a faraway glare and her hand shook slightly. "I don't think it is exaggerating to say I was in love with him."

My heart skipped and lurched in odd and painful spurts.

"The day I gave him the valentine, he made me realise just how undeserving of him I was. He said..."

"I think you have the wrong brother," I whispered, feeling sick to my stomach. How could I have lived so many years not knowing my Bella, the one I had dreamt of and who had sent me spiralling on a cycle of despair, was Izzy Dwyer, the girl who seemingly taunted me so cruelly?

She nodded and her eyes focused on me. "I didn't know how to tell you, I thought you only liked me because, well...because I was prettier."

"Did you really think that?" I asked.

She nodded, tears welling in her eyes. "It was the only thing that made any sense."

"How could you think so little of me?" I asked, my own voice breaking.

"Do you know the first time you ever kissed me was the other day when you told me it was over?" she asked.

I stared at her, uncertain what she was trying to say.

"I thought you didn't want me. I thought I was something pretty to play with and to hang on your arm. Maybe a friend with benefits when you needed it. Never someone who deserved your full attention or all of your love."

"Bella, I...I fucking loved you with every fibre of my being..."

She pressed her finger to my lips. "But I broke you." Tears were running down her cheeks. "I know, your mother told me about what you've been through each time we broke up." She sobbed. "That's why you are right. It is over. It has to be."

Panic welled in me. I wasn't sure how to reconcile the Izzy Dwyer I remembered with the story Bella was telling me now. I didn't know how to deal with the declaration that she'd never felt worthy of me. I didn't want her to leave, but I didn't know if I wanted her to stay.

"I'm sorry I hurt you," she whispered. "But I think I'm hurting too. I don't think I've ever really learned who I am. I've spent so much time being something else; Izzy Dwyer, Bella Swan, Demetri's girlfriend; I've never been me." She leant over and kissed my cheek. "I think I need to be me for a while."

I nodded, still reeling from her revelation and from her lies. Moments from our time together flooded back to me, hints of her insecurity were hidden in them all. I should have realised sooner, I should have known. Maybe I could have fixed her. Without realising I was doing it, I was telling Bella my thoughts.

"Honestly, I don't think you could have done anything differently," she admitted. "I think we always would have ended up here." Her tears were starting to dry a little.

She reached out to grab the old valentine from me, I pulled my hand back from her a little. "Would you mind if I kept it," I asked.

She shook her head. "It's always been yours." She offered me a sad smile and turned to walk out of my life for what I knew would be the last time.

* * *

I didn't speak to Bella again after the hospital. Shortly after her visit, I was released into my parent's care. Emmett moved all my things into their house and put me on suicide watch again. It was useless trying to explain to him why it was different this time. Why Bella's rejection no longer felt like a rejection of me. Why I knew she was broken and there was no way I could have fixed her, no matter how hard I tried. I was surprisingly content with the way things had turned out in the end.

I returned to work at Volturi, my absence barely a blip on the radar after a few months. Lawyers sold the house on behalf of Bella and me, so I didn't even need to speak to her about those arrangements. I was actually happy to see the house gone when it sold. I had held onto it and all my links to Bella for too long, clinging to them like a sinking life-raft. She'd said that she'd never been able to just be herself and I realised the same was true of me. We were both nothing more than empty shells when we'd met. Instead of filling each other with love and assurance, we had created doubt and self-loathing. By the time we walked away from the relationship, neither of us had a clear identity. Neither of us could have survived the other any longer. As much as I missed Bella, I knew we had made the right choice parting. How else could we have ever moved on?  
Besides, who knew what fate had in store for the future?

**

* * *

**

**A/N:- This chapter is the last full chapter of DaNF. This story started with a song & it shall end with one. This chapter is very loosely based on "Brown Eyes" by Lady Gaga. .com/watch?v=Sx4Z7qXq27I&feature=related**


	9. Epilogue

_Epilogue_

_A/N: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. (In other words – I don't own it, I'm just playing). Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it! Thanks to my beta FE71SH for working the magic._

* * *

- EPOV -

Two years had passed since my near-drowning incident. I hadn't seen or spoken to Bella since the day we'd parted in the hospital. On occassion, I found myself thinking about what might have been, but for the most part, I was happy with my life and where I had gone after we'd said goodbye. As head of Volturi's eco-housing division, I was required to attend all potential sales meetings, so I was in the city for the big one; a newly released housing development focusing primarily on targeting the eco market. If we could land the architectural deal with the master builders, it would put us on the map as serious contenders in the market.

"Edward?" a voice called out questioning behind me as I passed a small cafe on Elizabeth Street.

I spun, immediately recognising the voice. My first thoughts were of just how _healthy _she looked now. It was as if a light had been switched on somewhere deep inside that illuminated every part of her. From time to time, I had imagined running into her again. I wasn't sure what would happen if I did. I had wondered whether it would cause me pain, or whether I would be impassive and not have any feelings for her at all. My biggest fear was that seeing her would take me back to where I was before my trip to Cairns. Surprisingly, I could smile genuinely and walk over to her ready to have a normal conversation. I still loved her, I knew I always would. She'd meant too much to me for too long to completely forget her, but the constricting sensation that used to take over my chest was gone. I was sincerely happy to see her, without feeling the desperation I used to feel when I was close to her.

"Oh my god, it is you!" she exclaimed, lifting herself gracefully out of her seat at the table. I glanced at her male companion and nodded. I felt a slight pang of jealousy knowing the two of them were at lunch together, but mostly I felt happy for her. I was in a better place, and seemingly so was she.

She waved me over and kissed my cheek softly before pulling me into an embrace. When she pulled away, my hand lingered on her hip of its own accord. She didn't pull away or push for anything more. Instead, she walked me over to her table and introduced me to the gentleman she was with. Her counsellor. Apparently, she hadn't dated since Cairns. She had put all of her energy into herself, spending the profit on the house on reskilling herself and counselling.

We smiled and chatted, falling into easy conversation. I wasn't surprised that her counsellor knew who I was-I'd told my own all about her. Before I knew it, every spare minute I had before my meeting had slipped away and I needed to leave. I excused myself and, after another embrace and a soft, chaste kiss, was on my way. I smiled as I tucked the napkin she had given me into my pocket.

On it she had hastily written, "Not Izzy or Bella. Just me." Her phone number was scrawled along the bottom.

So much had changed since we'd last seen each other. We were no longer who we had been when we were together; we were both completely different people now. That was exactly what gave me hope, and the courage to call her.

* * *

**A/N:- Well, I hope you like the hopeful ending. I'll leave it up to your imaginations what happens next. I don't think I'll be back to visit this couple. I won't say never-I never say never-but I have plenty of other plot bunnies abounding :) **


End file.
